In real life, 1 + 1 does not always add up to 2...

You ever come across a situation where you know what you have to do, because no matter how you turn it, the result is just the same one, the one that is not beneficial to you, the one that is toxic and slowly destroying everything you've work on for the past few years, the one that makes you feel like a douche bag, or an evil person. When you finally decided to end it all?

I hate myself for hating you.

I wrote this a while back and it's just been sitting in my backpack, I figure that typing this out will help me continue to work out my anger.

In my mind, I have fabricated you into this monster.
In reality you aren't, you are not a monster, not by many standards.
You're just someone who does not deserve to be my hero.
They say that actions speak louder than words.
For you, both are equally useless.
Your actions don't match your words
and your words no longer hold even a glimpse of promise,
that I once believed in as a child.
Your actions no longer scare me, at least not the me I want to be.
The sounds of your angry actions make me jumpy but knowing that you're behind them makes them hallow.
I see them as a useless waste of energy, both for you and for me.
I find your actions as empty as your words.
You - are no longer my knight in shining armor.
It's been so long that I can't remember a time when you were.
If I searched long and deep enough, a part of me believes that I will find a time when you meant the world, but that too seems like a waste.
Despite all this, despite the hatred I feel towards you, I don't want to shut the door and seal our relationship into the darkness...

Quote

"We have taller buildings but shorter tempers; wider freeways but narrower viewpoints; we spend more but have less; we buy more but enjoy it less; we have bigger houses and smaller families; more conveniences, yet less time; we have more degrees but less sense; more experts, yet more problems; we have more gadgets but less satisfaction; more medicine, yet less wellness; We drink too much; smoke too much; spend too recklessly; laugh too little; drive too fast; get too angry quickly; stay up too late; get up too tired; read too seldom; watch TV too much and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values; we fly in faster planes to arrive there quicker, to do less and return sooner; we talk too much; love too seldom and lie too often. We've learned how to make a living, but not a life; we've added years to life, not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've conquered outer space, but not inner space; we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul; we write more, but learn less; plan more, but accomplish less; we learned to rush, but not to wait; we have more weapons, but less peace; higher incomes, but lower morals; more acquaintances, but fewer friends.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion; tall men, but short character; steep in profits, but shallow relationships. These are days of two incomes, but more divorces; these are times of fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, cartridge living, throw away morality, one-night stands, overweight bodies and pills that do everything from cheer, to prevent, quiet or kill. Indeed, these are the times!"

How did I end up here?

I take a look around, and nothing is familiar.

I have made so many changes to my life this year, I don't even know where to begin.
Some days I feel like I've moved mountains and some days I've dug a hole.
Two steps forward, two steps back.

My fortune cookie at lunch today read that "there is to be an opportunity to invest in the very near future." I wonder what that means. I don't even believe in fortune cookies most of the time because I think they're hocus pocus.

I look back and I see the good, the bad, the ugly, and all the beauty that has come from this past year. I can't seem to hang onto anything, any one thing. It just comes at me all at once, floods me with emotions and then I'm overwhelmed.

I'm not moving, but my world is spinning, I just want it to stop for one second, one second so I can gather myself.

I push on, I know that it's the only thing I can do. I need something to help me feel alive.

Moving on...

I have always thought of what it would be like. The freedom of it. It had always been something that I wondered about, something that would help me grow but I knew, it would always be there if I ever looked back or wanted to come back.

I have to admit that there are days where it doesn't feel that way anymore. There are days where I need to leave, and part of me feels that if and when I leave, I won't look back, I would never look back, I would not want to. Even on the days that there might be a small chance I might want to, there would be nothing there. In my mind, it's already beginning to fade and I haven't even left yet.

What I once knew is not the same, what I once loved has changed so much, I don't know it anymore, I don't want to know it anymore.

I, of all people, should be able to handle this in stride. That's how I take on everything else in life, in stride. I pride myself in that, I know there are few things in life that can really shake me. This is one of them. Not the fact that I could lose it all if I walk away, but the thought that I don't want it anymore, no matter how much I need it, the thought that I may walk away forever and never look back.

Just the thought of it makes me shake, my hands quiver as I write this, partially in anger and partially because I'm afraid of the truth behind my words.

My heart is sore, it's tired from all the pain. Part of me is ready to walk away forever and part of me wants things to go back to when they were happy, and carefree. Because where we are now, in this moment, and in this place, it's not something I know how to fix, and it's not something I can work or live with.

Because we can all use a little more compassion in our lives...

"Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me"

"Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" If this statement rings true why is it that I would much rather face a dozen broken bones than the words you tell me?

I've reached a point where I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't have the energy to be angry. I don't WANT to be angry. I just feel empty when I talk to you. When you tell me things that would usually set me off. I am angry for a split second then I realize that I don't have the will to keep it up.

I find myself thinking about the better times, wondering where we went wrong. I know that there isn't an answer in the past and there is nothing I can do to change what has become our hell on earth but I can't help but wonder.

I don't want to fight and as the distance between us grows bigger, I tell myself that there are things that I could say that will pull us all back together again. But that would be selfish of me and i would just be trying to hang on and prevent the inevitable.

Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will cause more damage if you really want to hurt me.

Repost - Love this.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.