Quote of the day.

Quote of the day.

Dear you,

Yes you, you know who I'm talking about. I just want to say that I enjoyed spending this holiday season with you this year. It was amazing, almost the same as when I was younger. Thanks for everything, the days we went shopping together, the time we spent talking while sipping hot chocolate, skating at the ice ring, meeting up with friends and family, it truly felt like old times.

I just have to say one thing though... I'm not afraid of who I am... I've accepted it and it's a part of my life, it’s a part of me. I wish you wouldn't brush me off when I'm trying to tell people about me, about what I do and most importantly about who I love.

I don't understand... are you afraid of how they will treat me? Or how they will treat you?

It's ok that I'm different; I'm okay with being different... why aren't you okay with me being different? Everything is fine and dandy until the subject pops up... I just wish that you would accept all of me, not just a part of me. I'm the same regardless of whom I love. It doesn't change who I am or who I've become. If anything, it's made me stronger, helped me to understand adversity better, and it's definitely made me whole again.

I don't want to hide from you; I miss the days where I could call you after having a bad day or better yet a good day. I miss driving to see you during the weekends or when I have free time, I miss not having to watch what I say around you and most importantly I miss “us” the relationship we had before. I know that it can never be the same but I am willing to work at it and I’ve been waiting in the middle for quite some time now.

You say one thing, your eyes say another, I’m not naive, and I know that you don’t understand, that you don’t get it. Maybe part of you doesn’t want to understand and part of you doesn’t want to get it. There is nothing I can do to make you understand or make this easier for you but you don’t have to get it or fully understand it to love me and not judge me. I don’t think I’m asking for much when I ask that you do more than just tolerate me. I can’t force you but I will wait patiently in hope that one day you will accept all of me for who I am, not just part of me.

It’s possible that we’re afraid not because of what we know but because of what we don’t know. But if we never try… we will never know.

Quote of the day.

I may not be perfect but parts of me are pretty awesome.

This and That.

A few things I learnt this holiday season:
- Getting up at 4am to drive your best friend to the airport on Christmas eve doesn't make saying good bye easier... it's actually harder because your sleep deprived.
- Too much speed + a ski jump + being unprepared = falling flat on your ass. x.x
- bumping into an ex that you dated for a year and a half will bring all the emotions back even though you thought you were over them
- mom's cooking will always be the best
- sledding + tree = painful
- hot chocolate + wood fire place + family and friends = time well spent
- hiding cookies under your bed will only work if somebody doesn't get to them
and finally....
no matter what... holidays with family = a blessing and a ton of fun. =D

Quote of the day.

Quote of the day.

It is an explanation not an excuse!!

I love the holiday season.

I love the holidays, who doesn't? I've grown up by the mountains so we occasionally get snow over the christmas holidays. I have now associated Christmas with snow. I can't imagine waking up to a sunny, hot, humid Christmas morning. My idea of Christmas morning is to snuggle up in front of the fireplace with a cup of hot chocolate.

Quote of the day.

"All you need is one light to get out of the darkness."

I’m furious.

I know that I’m not a calm person, I get mood swings, I’m like an unpredictable hurricane but I'm rarely furious. I get upset, I get sad but I rarely ever get infuriated over something.

Why? Here’s why. I can't believe that you can constantly bring up my failures... you say that you support me and that you love me but WTF? I wait for that sentence everyday from you, it’s like a slap, it stings and I get it every day, you don’t ever miss a day. I'm sad, I'm upset, in fact I'm furious but most of all I'm disappointed. And the worst of all those is that I'm disappointed, not in you but in ME. I can deal with anger; I can deal with being sad but being disappointed just eats away at you.

I get it, I failed, it'll go down on my list of things I never go to accomplish the first time around, it will go on the list of things I will never do again. It will go down on my list of stupid, in fact it'll be right up there, it will be FIRST.

Don't you think I beat myself up about it every day? Don't you think I would go back and change those few weeks that have changed my life forever? I would go back and do it right the first time around if I had the chance. Surprise surprise, I don’t' have a freaking time machine, I can't go back, I can't change what I’ve done.

I understand that what I've done was stupid, wrong, and changed the course of my life forever. I get that. I don't need you to fucking remind me every day. I don't need you to almost say it but then give me that fucking grin like it some fucked up joke. It's not a joke, I understand what I did. I can't fix it, I tried.

You tell me not to worry about what other people think and what they will say when they find out but what about you? Why don’t you just come out and say it. I’m a fucking disappointment. No shits, I feel the same way.

I've moved on, I’ve changed, I’m making something else of myself, it's not what I originally wanted or what others originally thought I would have wanted but that doesn't make me less of a person. In fact, I'm stronger today then I was when it happened. I've learnt and am still learning from my mistake.

I still beat myself up over it; I certainly don't need your help in that category.

Today I found myself comparing and I had to ask...

How is it that I can compare myself to you and see myself as less worthy when you might possibly be doing the same thing that I am? What makes us compare? What am I comparing? What makes us want to step over people to be more popular, richer, and more successful?

How did we get raised in a society that causes us to strike out when we are fearful instead of find the cause of our fear or even comfort? Why do we feel that leaning on someone else will make us seem weak? Aren't we stronger when we reach out? When we are more than one? A stack of branches are harder to break in half then just one branch, don't people work the same way?

Today I will tell myself that I'm not weak when I ask for help, nor am I less worthy than you or even more worthy than you. I will also tell myself that I do not know what your life is like and that I cannot compare myself to you to make me feel better or worse because of what I see. I don't know you but maybe one day I will. Maybe one day we will meet and I will realize that all those assumptions I made were all wrong and that you are as worthy of everything I am as I am worthy of everything you are.

How do I tell you?

How do I tell you how much you matter to me when I'm afraid to commit to you.
You have always been there for me but I'm rarely there for you.
How is it that you can still love me for all my faults?
We are walking down different paths in life and yours looks so much better than mine. I've tried to cut across to you but only get caught in the thorns. Even then, you're there to save me and I don't deserve it.
Again and again I've caused you so much pain, why do you not leave me to wither and die?
You say that you love me but how? how can you love something that is so broken and weak?
I say all these things, but at the end, I need you, I need you more than you know.
Thank you for all that you've given up to be there for me.
I can't say this to you or out loud but I do love you. I love you so much.

Quotes of the day.

"Never take life too seriously. No one gets out alive."
"Keep your eyes on the stars but your feet on the ground."

Quote of the day.

Don't hold onto grudges and pass failures. Look to the future, open your arms. Love, forgive and enjoy the company of others.

Quote of the day.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the number of moments that take our breath away.

Standing still

I’m the girl standing on the street corner watching as the world passes me by. What makes me think this way? I have no idea.
I feel like I’m not going anywhere in life, I’m 21… what is really expected from me? I would like to think that I’m making something for myself and that I’m not wasting my time at this street corner… but I honestly don’t know.
What do I do when my friends and my family are moving on down the street without me, I want to be able to join them, but I can’t get my feet to move?
There are so many directions for me to go… I can go south, north, west or east… I can even go north-west if I was to choose. But every time I take a step it’s as if the street moves with me and I’m still in the same spot. I’ve tried to move this way or that but every time I look up I realize that I haven’t moved at all.
My friends have all moved away from me… some are on the opposite side of the street and some have moved so far down that I don’t see them anymore… it is right for me to judge myself based on their achievements… if so I have definitely failed somewhere along the way. We are no long holding hands to cross the check point together… we’ve all gone our separate ways. But I’m still stuck … is my time already running out so soon?