I’m furious.

I know that I’m not a calm person, I get mood swings, I’m like an unpredictable hurricane but I'm rarely furious. I get upset, I get sad but I rarely ever get infuriated over something.

Why? Here’s why. I can't believe that you can constantly bring up my failures... you say that you support me and that you love me but WTF? I wait for that sentence everyday from you, it’s like a slap, it stings and I get it every day, you don’t ever miss a day. I'm sad, I'm upset, in fact I'm furious but most of all I'm disappointed. And the worst of all those is that I'm disappointed, not in you but in ME. I can deal with anger; I can deal with being sad but being disappointed just eats away at you.

I get it, I failed, it'll go down on my list of things I never go to accomplish the first time around, it will go on the list of things I will never do again. It will go down on my list of stupid, in fact it'll be right up there, it will be FIRST.

Don't you think I beat myself up about it every day? Don't you think I would go back and change those few weeks that have changed my life forever? I would go back and do it right the first time around if I had the chance. Surprise surprise, I don’t' have a freaking time machine, I can't go back, I can't change what I’ve done.

I understand that what I've done was stupid, wrong, and changed the course of my life forever. I get that. I don't need you to fucking remind me every day. I don't need you to almost say it but then give me that fucking grin like it some fucked up joke. It's not a joke, I understand what I did. I can't fix it, I tried.

You tell me not to worry about what other people think and what they will say when they find out but what about you? Why don’t you just come out and say it. I’m a fucking disappointment. No shits, I feel the same way.

I've moved on, I’ve changed, I’m making something else of myself, it's not what I originally wanted or what others originally thought I would have wanted but that doesn't make me less of a person. In fact, I'm stronger today then I was when it happened. I've learnt and am still learning from my mistake.

I still beat myself up over it; I certainly don't need your help in that category.