How did I end up here?

I take a look around, and nothing is familiar.

I have made so many changes to my life this year, I don't even know where to begin.
Some days I feel like I've moved mountains and some days I've dug a hole.
Two steps forward, two steps back.

My fortune cookie at lunch today read that "there is to be an opportunity to invest in the very near future." I wonder what that means. I don't even believe in fortune cookies most of the time because I think they're hocus pocus.

I look back and I see the good, the bad, the ugly, and all the beauty that has come from this past year. I can't seem to hang onto anything, any one thing. It just comes at me all at once, floods me with emotions and then I'm overwhelmed.

I'm not moving, but my world is spinning, I just want it to stop for one second, one second so I can gather myself.

I push on, I know that it's the only thing I can do. I need something to help me feel alive.

Moving on...

I have always thought of what it would be like. The freedom of it. It had always been something that I wondered about, something that would help me grow but I knew, it would always be there if I ever looked back or wanted to come back.

I have to admit that there are days where it doesn't feel that way anymore. There are days where I need to leave, and part of me feels that if and when I leave, I won't look back, I would never look back, I would not want to. Even on the days that there might be a small chance I might want to, there would be nothing there. In my mind, it's already beginning to fade and I haven't even left yet.

What I once knew is not the same, what I once loved has changed so much, I don't know it anymore, I don't want to know it anymore.

I, of all people, should be able to handle this in stride. That's how I take on everything else in life, in stride. I pride myself in that, I know there are few things in life that can really shake me. This is one of them. Not the fact that I could lose it all if I walk away, but the thought that I don't want it anymore, no matter how much I need it, the thought that I may walk away forever and never look back.

Just the thought of it makes me shake, my hands quiver as I write this, partially in anger and partially because I'm afraid of the truth behind my words.

My heart is sore, it's tired from all the pain. Part of me is ready to walk away forever and part of me wants things to go back to when they were happy, and carefree. Because where we are now, in this moment, and in this place, it's not something I know how to fix, and it's not something I can work or live with.

Because we can all use a little more compassion in our lives...

"Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me"

"Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me" If this statement rings true why is it that I would much rather face a dozen broken bones than the words you tell me?

I've reached a point where I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't have the energy to be angry. I don't WANT to be angry. I just feel empty when I talk to you. When you tell me things that would usually set me off. I am angry for a split second then I realize that I don't have the will to keep it up.

I find myself thinking about the better times, wondering where we went wrong. I know that there isn't an answer in the past and there is nothing I can do to change what has become our hell on earth but I can't help but wonder.

I don't want to fight and as the distance between us grows bigger, I tell myself that there are things that I could say that will pull us all back together again. But that would be selfish of me and i would just be trying to hang on and prevent the inevitable.

Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will cause more damage if you really want to hurt me.

Repost - Love this.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Early one morning.

It’s early in the morning; I open my window and feel the chill of the autumn air. I’m glad most of the snow we had last week is gone. I open the screen and climb out my window onto the roof. It’s 6am and the neighborhood is still sleeping. I lay out my blanket and sit down. Wrapping myself up, I look towards the sky. It’s so amazingly quiet, but at the same time, I can hear a car coming down the street, a train whistles in the distance, but I let the natural beauty of things seep into my skin. Mornings like this are amazing; there is no good way to describe it. For a while, I lie there in complete silence, I watch as the sky slowly changes color and the sun begins to come up. My mind is empty, as it is still trying to wake up, there are no thoughts of my busy schedule for the day, no thoughts of the papers I have due in the coming week, no exams I have to write. I am blissfully unaware of my responsibilities and demands, in this moment; it’s just me and the beauty of the world. Time doesn’t have meaning while I’m out here, I know from experience that I could stay out here forever.

I hear my phone ring in my room and I snap out of my trance, taking a deep breath, I feel the chill of the air as it enters my lungs. I take one last look at the sky and say a silent prayer. “Thanks.” It’s short, it’s sweet, and it’s all I have at the moment. I wander back into my room and leave that world behind me…

Seraching...

We have another conversation.
It starts with the usual pleasantries.

"How are you?"
"What's new?"
"How is school going?"

Then you tell me,

"I've been thinking about you."

"Erm, why?"

Why would I ask you such a question?
I don’t want the answer.

It truly baffles me how you manage to turn my world upside down and inside out with one simple sentence.

My mind starts to go places where it shouldn’t. What are you going to tell me? Did I do something wrong? Are you thinking that what we have isn’t working?

I impatiently wait for your answer.
The seconds feel like hours.

“I’m not sure; you’ve just been on my mind.”

“Oh, that’s a good thing right?”

“Ha, yes, of course it is.”

I tell you the truth, because that’s just the way I work.

“I thought you were going to tell me something bad. Like that you don’t like the way our relationship is.”

You, as usual, bring in the logic.

“Why would you think that? It’s not like I would call you up just to tell you that “we’re” not working. I’d rather do it through text or e-mail”

“We’re?” you used the words “we’re”. Isn’t that equivalent to using the words us? Again, my brain goes and hits ultra drive. I draw a blank and have nothing to say.

“You still there?”

“Yep, just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Me and you, you used the words 'we’re'"

I know that I’m stirring up the pot, and my emotions are way beyond normal but I find that with you, I am so out of my element that I don’t know what else to be.

Luckily you just shrug it off.

“You’re just being silly. I’m coming up next weekend; do you want to do dinner?”

Plans are easily made and like every weekend you’re up, we get together.

“We”, for us the line between friendship and relationship have been blurred over the past few months. There is that thin invisible line we walk, sometimes we’re walking it hand in hand and other times we walk it as far away from each other as possible. Regardless, “we’re” walking it, and when one of us falls over, “we” will have to deal with it. I'm just not ready for it yet.

I like the little things.

I like how you turn up the radio when my favorite songs come on and just let me groove. =D

Quote of the day.

There are really not enough words that can truly define love, but actions and the way you live can explain love in better ways than you have ever imagined.

Quote of the day.

Hate the sin, but love the sinner - Gandhi

I believe in you.

Some of the 4 most important words you can say to someone else is "I believe in you." The concept behind those words are so simple yet they hold so much power.

By saying "I believe in you" you are making the statement that you are willing to stand in their corner and battle behind them, helping them heal from their cuts and bruises and giving them encouragement along the way.

Saying those words, you give the recipient of those words the power to push through their struggles and continue onwards. The most common thought we have when we are down is that we're all alone and there is no one else who has experienced what we have. No one who will understand us, no one cares enough to understand what we're going through.

Empower your friends to get through the tough times in their lives, be there ever step of the way, you never know when they will return the favor. The worst you can do is walk away. Tell them that "You believe in them." You believe that they will get through this tough time, yes, it's possible that you don't understand what they are going through and you have never yourself experienced anything like it before but that you are there if they need you and that you believe in them.

In the mean time, I believe in you. =)

I like the little things.

I like how your hand feels in my hand.

I like the little things.

I like the way your eyes shine when you laugh.

Quote of the day.

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Author Unknown

Random Useless Fact

• A group of frogs is called an army.
• A group of rhinos is called a crash.
• A group of kangaroos is called a mob.
• A group of whales is called a pod.

Labour Day Weekend.

So I decided that I would take things easy this weekend. I took a stroll downtown on Saturday. Took the train and then wondered around downtown aimlessly by myself for a few hours. There isn't much to see in the downtown. There are only 2 or 3 main hot spots in the actual downtown area where it feels like there is life going on. I choose to go myself because I wanted to be alone in the physical sense, but I didn't feel alone.

Amazing how in the presence of complete strangers, you will still try to connect with them. One thing I noticed was that  a lot of people would walk by without making eye contact, they'll glance at you and if the moment that your eyes meet (should that happen), they would quickly look away. One thing I was taught when I was younger was that you should look the people you walk by in the eye. That way you can describe them to the police when they try to rob you. Not that I would ever be able to describe the facial features of my "potential" robber... (I have trouble remembering what color someone is wearing when I lose them in the mall.). I try to make eye contact with people so I can give them a smile.

I do it because I love the reaction they give. The shock in their eyes for that split second that they realize that you're smiling at them, (who, me?). The light that comes afterward as they smile back. Seeing that reaction makes me realize that we're all lonely fools out there, waiting for someone to show us some sort of kindness so that we know we're not the only ones on the earth.

I like the little things.

I like how your smell lingers on my pillow even when you're not there.

Quote of the day.

The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch with, never saying a word, and walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you've had. -Author Unknown

Highway driving...

I love to drive. Highway driving ranks right up there as one of my favorite roads to drive on. I don't speed because I'm in a hurry but because I often don't realize that I've pushed and pushed till I've past the limit.
On this past road trip I learnt a couple new pointers that I'd like to share.
1 - When you drive past another driver and their waving their hand at you, they're not saying hi, they're telling you that there is a cop around the corner.
2 - Beating a semi up the hill is easy... watching them in your review mirror as they barrel down the hill... is not so easy.
3 - Speed limits don't actually exist, it all depends on who is following you, if their going fast - you are too, if they go slow - that's when your allowed to as well.
4 - Driving at night can be more dangerous but is SO much more fun!
5 - Sunsets and Sunrises are especially pretty when the road you're on is FLAT!

The Tim Horton's Diet

Breakdown of Road Trip...

Day 1 - Driving
Breakfast – Tim Horton’s in Medicine Hat
Lunch – Tim Horton’s outside of Regina
Dinner – ? – Here’s the thing, we were going to stop in Winnipeg but there was an ACDC concern that night… (of all nights for there to be an ACDC concert) meaning that there were ZERO rooms anywhere near Winnipeg, we ended up stopping in Kenora around midnight, I don’t think we stopped for dinner…

Day 2 - Driving
Breakfast – McDonalds in Kenora
Lunch – Tim Horton’s in Thunder bay (tried a Persian, strange things...)
Dinner – Wawa’s Won Chinese and Canadian Cuisine – Wawa (I didn’t understand why they needed to say they had Canadian Cuisine, I mean what exactly is Canadian cuisine… Ginger beef?)

Day 3 - Driving
Breakfast – Tim Horton’s in Sault Ste. Marie
Lunch – ? I don’t remember… (75% chance it was a Timmy's)
Dinner – TORONTO!!! Our hostess took us to an AMAZING Chinese restaurant in Markham, it was so good. =D

Day 4, 5, 6 - Waterloo
Day 7 – Niagara Falls
Day 8 - Toronto
Day 9, 10 - Driving

Day 9 and 10 looks much the same as days 1-3. Lots of stops, and because my dad and I decided that we wanted to make it back to Calgary ASAP, we stopped at a lot and I mean A LOT of Timmy’s along the way to refuel (gas for car, coffee for us), refresh (give engine a break, stretch our legs) and refocus (count down the hours till we get home).

So, if you've ever been on a road trip in Canada, there is a >95% chance that you'll visit a Tim Horton's on your way. They are scattered everywhere across this country and some of them are even opened 24 hours for your "convenience".

I am proud (slightly embarrassed and feeling quite silly) to say that I have hit a Tim Horton’s in every province in Canada except for the Maritimes, which is quite an accomplishment.

Sad but true, every time we felt the need to stop, stretch our legs, or take a pee break, we looked for a Tim Horton’s. Not because we wanted to go in and get something, which we inevitably did every single flipping time, but because chances are if you are anywhere near anyplace or even in the middle of nowhere, you'll find a Timmy's before you find a gas station.

Because of this road trip, I have become quite addicted to Tim Horton's Ice Coffee, usually with a shot of French Vanilla or Caramel. But as I adjust back to civilization, meaning that I'm not spending 12 hours in the car, driving or sleeping, I cringe at the sight of a Tim Horton’s and have absolutely no desire to go in and get something. The sad truth of the matter is that there are a few Tim Horton's (3) on my way to work every morning, so I will probably end up going into one sooner or later...

Road Trip.

I'm going on hiatus for a while. Taking a road trip east. I haven't done this since I was about 7 so it should be fun. =) Leaving tomorrow and won't get back till around the 1st of September. Back in time for school! Kinda excited about this coming semester.
Anyways, I hope everyone has a great rest of the summer and I'll post stuff when I get back!!!
XOXO

Random Useless Fact

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Quote of the day.

The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. -George Bernard Shaw

Random Useless Fact

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Quote of the Day.

Beginning today, treat everyone you meet as if they were going to be dead by midnight. Extend to them all the care, kindness, and understanding you can muster, and do it with no thought of any reward. Your life will never be the same again. -Og Mandino

We can only live our lives with so many expectations from other people. We have expectations ourselves, what if their different from what other's expect, if you're like me, you'll put your expecations on the back burner and try to succeed at everyone else's expecatitions first. What happens when I'm sick and tired of putting other's first, does that make me selfish all of a sudden? I would like to think not(why do I think I am then?), but then peopel say "you've changed" well why? because I'm putting MY life first, because I want to live life MY way? becuase I no longer want to put myself second, or third?
I'm ready to set up to the plate and bat for myself, sure the first couple times I could end up hitting pop flies or striking out, but as I gain more confident, I'll get better, maybe I'll even hit a grand slam. Are you ready? I think I am. =D

I like the little things.

I like how every time I think of you it brings a smile to my face.

Quote of the day.

In the end what matters most is...
How well did you live,
How well did you love,
How well did you learn how to let go.

Random Useless Fact

The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

I like the little things.

When you laugh so hard that you snort then try to stop laughing because you're mortified with yourself. I love it.

Quote of the day.

What is love if it can't get through the good and the bad?

I like the little things.

I like how you know just when to call me when I need you the most.

Random Useless Fact

A new baby usually deprives it's parents of 400-750 hours of sleep in the first year.

I like the little things.

I like how you'll send me real mail every once in a while, just because...

Quote of the day.

I have no regrets, just an awareness of stupid choices.

I like the little things.

When you shake your head at me before I say what I'm going to say because that's how well you know me.

Quote of the day.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. If you forget this, attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

3am phone call... pt.2

I assume that I know exactly what you’re going to say…
I’m not.
“Remember the day we spent making cookies, cupcakes, brownies and other stuff.”
I do, it was one of those days where we really didn’t want to do much and were happy hanging out in our pajamas. We had thought that it would be brilliant if we did some baking. We started off following the recipes but as the day progress we just threw things together, hoping that somehow things would turn out good. We burnt our first batch of cookies, ended up with coco goop, and salty cupcakes. One of us had mistaken the salt for the sugar. In between, we had a mini food fight, spilt the milk, and shared our first “I love you”s.

“I do”

“What happened? We were so happy.”

I have no script for this; this isn’t the conversation we usually have. I can hear in your voice, that you want a genuine answer.

“We changed, we grew apart.”

“Why? We were supposed to be the happily ever after couple. The ones that made it through the thick and thin, we were the role models.”

“Maybe there was too much pressure. I don’t know, Stacy, I don’t know why we didn’t work out.”

“Do you think we could ever…”

“No, I don’t think we could ever be together again.” I say the words so that you know and I know that it’s not possible. I don’t want to talk anymore. “Look, it’s late, can you call me tomorrow, I want to go back to sleep.”

“um, sure, oh and by the way, I still do love you”

I hang up before you do any more damage. While you may not remember the conversation tomorrow, I sure as hell will. I didn’t need to hear those words, not from you, not now, not ever again. Not that I don’t love you, but it’s that I do love you and somewhere deep down I’m still in love with you. We will always be friends but I don’t think being a couple is something we should ever do again.

I like the little things.

When you know to say "bless you" three times in a row when I sneeze the first time because you know I usually sneeze in threes.

3am phone call... pt.1

It’s 3:39am, my phone rings.
It’s you, I pick it up.

“Hello?”

“Hi, whacca doing?”

“Sleeping, it’s 3 in the morning.”

“Oh really? I didn’t realize, I’m just calling…”

I can tell that you’ve been drinking.
I really don’t think I want to hear what you have to say.
We’ve been through this before.
It ends the same every time.
I stop you before you can finish the sentence.
“look…” I say gently,

“It’s late, I’m tired, and you’re drunk. Call back tomorrow and we can talk then.”

“But this is important” You tell me this every time.
Every time, I let it rope me into hearing you say that you’re sorry, that things ended badly.
That if it weren’t for what happened, we’d still be together.
We’ve had this conversation many times, always in this situation.
You drunk, middle of the night, me sleeping.
Alcohol has the affinity to make you do things you normally wouldn’t do.
Time in and time out, you end up sad and crying, I’m angry and frustrated.
You’ll call again in the morning and apologize, it was the alcohol talking, and you didn’t mean any of it, if you remember any of it at all.
I’m ready to avoid the situation all together.

“I don’t want to hear it. I know what you’re going to say.”

“It’s different this time, I swear.”

I let out a sigh, sit up in bed and prepare myself to hear it once again.
I assume that I know exactly what you’re going to say…

3am phone call...

This is going to be a 3 part series... (I think)
The speech might get a bit confusing so I'll change the colors for each person.
I hope you enjoy it!
Leave comments. I'd love to hear them. :)

Quote of the day.

A good friend will bail you out of jail, but a true friend will be sitting beside you saying "Man, we fucked up!"

Random Useless Fact

The penguin is the only bird that can’t fly but can swim.

Living to not get hurt.

I have a confession to make.
I don't let people in, I keep them at a distance.
It's a tactic I've used the majority of my life.
For the most part, I don't understand it.
I push people away when they get too close.
I keep so many secrets, most people don't even know.
Many of my friends will tell you that they really don't know much about me.
I prefer to keep it that way.
By keeping people at a distance, I don't have to feel the pain, any pain.
They don't have to get hurt, I don't have to worry about hurting them.
Most importantly, I will never have the opportunity to disappoint them.
To be a failure to them. By building that brick wall between my world and theirs, I am protecting both them and me.
I'm protected, and I live not to get hurt.
I need to change that. You've caused me to want to change that. I want to let you in. I just need some time.

Quote of the day.

Sometimes we argue, fight just so we can kiss and make up.

I like the little things.

The way someone stumbles over an explanation, not because they don't know but because they never expected you to ask.

If I give you... Will you give me...?

I wake up this morning and the first thing I think about is you.
I miss you so much that even words can not begin to express it.
They say that there are 5 stages of grief,
that you can work through them all,
they don't tell you that you work through them, over and over again.
Some days are ok, some days aren't.
Some days I hit every stage before I even get out of bed.
Some days I don't go through them at all.
I know them all by heart now, Denial-Anger-Bargaining-Depression-Acceptance.
I think that thanks to you, I've become a master bargainer,
it's amazing what you can come up with when you have nothing left.
As I work through to the acceptance that I will never physically see or touch you again, I ask myself "why".
Though I know that I will never get an answer, I still strike up another bargain with the invisible force that's out there.
Love you, and miss you. XOXO

Quote of the day.

One tequila. two tequila. three tequila. Floor. That floor doesn't know what's coming.

I like the little things.

When someone forgets to catch themselves before they expose their passion for something silly.

Random Useless Fact

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.

Annoyed...

Ok, so my neighbor across the street has the cutest little Pomeranian terrier mix dog. It's great... until it barks. So I know this sounds mean, but it barks at EVERYTHING!
On top of it all, this neighbor lets her dog out all the time, so when a car drives by... all you hear is this high pitched bark, it doesn't even have a nice bark. UGH!
I don't mind it usually, but seriously, tonight, I'm considering going over there to make her take the dog back in.
Long day, so deadly tired and all I hear is barking.
Am I really being mean? or just being reasonable?

After writing this, I'm much calmer, I'll just close my window and turn up my music.

Quote of the day.

"The most important thing is at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."

You're asking me, for my opinion?

We were going to go out for lunch. Dim Sum to be exact, I love dim sum. But while I was sitting on the couch, watch Sunday morning cartoons which still rock my socks sometimes, my mom comes in 3 different times to ask about her outfit.

The first time was alright, I told her that I liked the turquoise more than the blue. Not a hard question. The second time she asked me to color match her shirt with some pants... ugh??? (me, I'm a jeans and tank top kind of girl, no matching colors required!) I tell her "I'm not sure; I think that one looks good." (Pointing to the pair that looked like they could match her top) I seriously didn't know. I think if it was as easy for girls to be color blind as guys, I would be color blind. I can't match color for the life of me.

She came back about 10 minutes later with the top and the pants I picked and ask me which sweater she should wear, ugh???, it's like 25C outside, this morning when I went for my run, I thought it was hot, it's definitely HOT now, "you don't need a sweater". "Just in case." She tells me. I look; she's got a green one and a black one in her hands. "The black one, I guess" thinking that in my world black matches with EVERYTHING. She tries on the black one, hmm and haaas over it then takes it off and tries on the green one. Then she asks me again, "Which one looks better?" I turn away from my cartoons as I know I won't be able to enjoy any more sponge bob till I give her a good answer and I say "Try them on again." She does, but seriously, I don't know. I have no idea. They both look similar to me. "The black one" I say after some carefully consideration. "Are you sure?" She asks, like I'm lying to her or something. "I think so."

She leaves and comes back, of course with the green one on. You'd figure that she would eventually stop asking me if she knows that I have no fashion sense at all. Me in my pink tank top, blue gym shorts and white ankle socks. (Disaster. I know)

I think she's picked out her outfit, it's over right? No. >.< It's not. She now needs me to pick out a purse for her. By now, my dad and my brother have joined me on the couch waiting for the rest of them to get ready.

She comes in with two red purses, one is big and the other one is littler. She looks at me and ask, "which one do you like better?" I must of given her some sort of look because everyone just burst out laughing. I give my brother and my dad a glare, which doesn't stop their laughing. (At least someone finds humor in my torture) "The smaller one." To my horror, she hands me the smaller one and says, "You can have it." um... o.0 "I don't want it, I think the smaller one looks better that's all." She laughs and tells us that she'll be ready in 5 minutes. (whew)

And yes, dim sum did end up being awesome. :)

Random Useless Fact

The average ear of corn has eight hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows.

Ready!

For three and a half years I let it take control of my life. I let it consume me and let it force me into making decisions I knew were wrong. Decisions that even today I don’t fully understand. I let this choice, this decision dictate everything that I did. I didn’t stand up to it. Maybe I didn’t know how. Maybe I didn’t want to. Maybe I felt it was easier to be unhappy than to battle the unknown.

I’m not even sure what happened. Three and a half years later I feel like I’ve finally awaken and I’m ready to start something new. I want to be someone else. Someone not consumed by my own past. I’m ready to move on, to start a new chapter in my life.

To live without the consequences of my past, to live for the future.

Quote of the day.

Worst than giving up... is not trying at all.

Quote of the day.

Everyone has failures in life, ultimately we all fail. Who we are, the standards to which we are measured, lies in our response to those failures.

Heterophobia

Just watched a play called heterophobia. It was about a girl who lives in a gay world, one where everyone is gay and people who were straight are the ones that are strange, the ones who have problems and have a perceived illness. It basically reverses the world we live in.

It made fun of all the straight stereotypes and for a second gives a glimpse of what the world could be like if everything was reversed. And it got me thinking “why do we judge people no matter what their differences are?” “Why do we choose to cause so much pain within others when we know what the pain is like?”

How often do we hear about the hate within a community? How we put others down when they are in the same situation as we once were. When all we wanted at that time was compassion and understanding. Maybe we got it. Maybe we didn’t.

But if we know the depths of the pain and confusion that we went through what makes us want to let someone else go through that all by themselves? And not only do we let them go through it themselves we make it harder for them. Why do we give them all the ignorance and discrimination that we faced?

I know I’ve done it. I know that I’ve been on the receiving end of it. I don’t even think that when I did it, I realized how much of an effect that it would have on that person. I figured, “someone did it to me, its okay if I do it to someone else… right?”

JUNE!!!

I started a 3 week training session which has taken up all my time. With work and play along with training I've virtually had no time to come online. :P
But this will be the last week of training so hopefully I will have more time after. I have been writing, just haven't had time to post them up. If anyone knows how to schedule post, please let me know. That way I can try to blog them evenly. :)
But right now. I'm on a mini long weekend. I took monday and tuesday off to go out of town, which has been nice. I'm really just sitting around, playing cards, board games, watching tv shows (charmed!) or movies...
Went to see the Proposal on friday night. It's an awesomely funny movie. Definitely worth a watch if you've got nothing else to do. Transformers comes out this week! I'm excited to see that.
Thanks for reading.

Quote of the day.

There is never death without life, never darkness without light, never pain without hope.

Today...

Today is one of those days where I say I can’t do this. I can’t be like this. There must be a solution. I can’t be gay. I can’t like girls. It’s so wrong. Today is one of those days where I need a positive reflection, any positive reflection, that I am ok. That I’m not going to burn in hell. That no, I have not made the choice to be gay. That I just am and there is nothing wrong with that. I need this reflection to help me get through this day. To allow me to feel like I belong to something, that I am someone who is a small part of a bigger picture. A bigger picture where one day I will be accepted for whom I am and who I love. No questions asked, no strange looks and no judgment, just acceptance.

Today is one of those days, where all those thoughts you’ve put in my head about how wrong it is that I am the way I am come up, that I should be able to be “cured” of this, that I have some horrible debilitating disease that will destroy everything you’ve worked so hard for.

Today is one of those days where I hold my head up high even though my heart is at my feet. Where when I get through it, I will be stronger.

The weekend is over. And as usual we had an amazing time.
We had laughs. Cries. Fights. Comfort. Growth. And so much more.
Every time we see each other we make more memories than we can possibly hold.
But as I leave this Sunday, we leave with an elephant still in the room.
I’m a strong believer that one should never going to bed angry... go away angry.
I’m sure that you are not angry anymore, you are probably just wary.
The conversation that happened yesterday still sits fresh in our heart and our minds. I still have no answer for you and you are still waiting for something else.
I promise you I’ll call when I get home and I will.
It’s not what we are saying it’s what we are not saying.
In the 10 minutes it took to have that conversation, we've changed our friendship forever.
Will it be stronger now? or have we managed to ruin the one thing that we never felt could break?
I feel the pain just as you do. It’s probably a different kind of pain but there is no doubt that this weekend has left a memory that neither of us felt would ever happen. And in both our heads and hearts the results are different, they SHOULD have been different.
As I drive away, I think I do love you... but, I’m not ready, not able to love you with all the love you deserve. I cannot ask you to wait for me. I do not know how long it will take. It would be unfair and selfish of me to ask you to wait. You deserve so much more from me, and maybe, just maybe, I do too.

I don't know

You look at me with confusion,
"you don't know?"
The confusion has turned to anger,
"How can you not know?
Am I not good enough?
Am I not strong enough?
Am I not pretty enough?"
I cut you off,
"Stop, it's not you it's me.
I'm the one that's not strong enough..."
I am just that,
not strong enough to jump in with you.
I rather stand on the sideline,
I'm too scare to get hurt,
I'm too scare to commit,
I'm barely strong enough for me,
let alone the both of us.
I can only just manage myself,
I can't pull you into my world.
It's not as bright and clear as you think,
underneath it all, I'm a 1000 piece puzzle,
only the edge has been made.
There is still 950 pieces to go,
most of them still need to be flipped over.
In this moment of time,
when you have opened yourself up,
when you are completely vulnerable,
I am completely clueless,
I do not want to lie to you,
I can not hurt you anymore.
I can only try to ask you to understand.
"I don't know how to love you,
because I don't know how to love myself."

Ellen rocks my socks.

10 minutes, Ellen manages to make you laugh, cry, love, think and reflect.

Random Useless Fact

Apples are more effective at keeping people awake in the morning than caffeine.

Quote of the day.

Forgiveness is such a simple word, but it's so hard to do when you've been hurt.

Where does all the time go?

Ok, so I've decided that I need more hours in a day. Or some way to stretch out my days, because I get up in the morning, and the next thing I know it's time for bed.
What's the deal with that? I mean I shouldn't be complaining because it's probably a very good thing that I've been so busy, but still, I just want one hour where I can sit and do nothing.
I can't believe it's Wednesday already, I remember coming home Sunday and thinking, I hope it's a good quick week. Guess what? It has been an amazingly quick week. And it's noon already, which means that the day is about a third over. o.0
There are so many things I need to do sometime this week. I need to go get my car detailed and cleaned because I want to and it's spring so I want all the guck from winter off it. I need to do some laundry or I'll be going commando super soon. I need to finish cleaning my room, put away my winter gear, wash my windows, mow the lawn, and probably some other stuff I can't remember.
As for the last two postings... they're not finished, but I'm not entirely sure I want to put the rest of it up. It was an actual event in my life and I feel super stupid towards it at the moment. There is more, and it's gets dumber.
To the person who reads this and the postings and was on the receiving end, I'm sorry, there really are not enough words I can use to justify my actions that day.
To everyone else who read them, know that I'm not a horrible person, I'm just a little broken and damaged. :)
I could go on forever, I just might, but it'll have to wait till later because I have to run.

Can I love you?

"Can you love me?"
The question strikes me,
you mean it, love,
not in the sense of friendship,
but something more,
"Can I love you?" I ask you back.
"Yes, I need to know, can you love me?"
It's my turn to look towards the street,
I watch the blue Toyota pass by,
I have no idea how to answer your question.
Do I tell you the truth,
do I tell you a lie?
How bad will you be hurt by my answer...
I turn back to you,
I can tell by your face,
that I've already hurt you,
by not answering right away.
Both of us are on the brink of tears,
"I don't know."
My answer sucks all the air out between us,
I'm no good at this,
I've hurt you,
even before anything has started.
I look away,
"I don't know."
I repeat again,
it's not a good answer,
it's not the right answer,
it's not the answer I want to give you.
I look you in the eyes,
in them I see everything we've been,
I see all the potential we could be,
and I see us in this exact moment.
I know I've hurt you,
no words,
no actions,
nothing can change that.
I repeat it one last time,
"I don't know."
I want those 3 words to solve everything,
just like another 3 words can.
But, it's not possible,
those 3 words, whichever one you choose,
has so much weight to them.
I picked the wrong ones...

Can you love me?

We see each other nearly everyday,
I'd say we're good friends,
You'd say something different.
We met up yesterday and you looked at me,
this wasn't like all the other times you've look at me,
this time it was different.
I ask you "What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?"
You don't answer at first,
you turn your head,
now you're just watching the traffic,
I let the moments pass in silence,
it confuses me but I let it slide,
there is no need for poking and prodding...
since somewhere deep down,
I don't want to hear what you have to say.
After a long silence, you look back at me and say,
"I have a question for you..."
I take a gulp of water, "shoot, I have no secrets"
I give you that grin.
You know that grin,
the one where I'm being silly,
because being serious would make things too scary.
You look at me all serious and ask,
"Can you love me?"

Quote of the day.

Will you be there when things just won't go right?

Reflection

I look and I see you looking back at me.
I know who you are,
but I don't know you.
I don't remember the last time I saw you.
Maybe I've never met you.
Day in, day out, you are reflected back to me,
for the first time, I'm confused,
Do I know you?
Has there been that much change?
If I look closely I can see what I use to see,
it's still there, however faintly,
I know that it's there because I can feel it.
What makes me confused is how you could have changed so much,
right under my nose,
attention to detail has never been my strong suit
but I should have been able to see these changes.
I look again,
and you look back,
this time, I'm a little less confused by it,
I'll accept these changes because there isn't anything else I can do...

Random Useless Fact

A word or sentence that is the same front and back (racecar, kayak) is called a “palindrome”.

My name is a palindrome!

Quote of the day.

The greatest thing about tomorrow is, I will be better than I am today.

Green: trees, grass, spring, evny, jealousy...

Ever have one of those days where everything is emotional even when they shouldn't be. You see a cat run across the street during rush hour traffic, seeing it reach the other side safely tugs at your heart just a little bit. The movies watched, the conversations had, the thoughts that run through your head, all them add up to this big emotional ball that you don't know what to do with.

Do you tell someone how you're feeling? What happens when you feel like you'll be burdening that other person? What if you don't want advice, you just want to talk? You want someone to be there to hear you, to actually hear you, even when you don't say all the words.

How do you stay sane when everything feel chaotic? I recently bumped into the big green wall of envy and jealously. Here's the thing, I don't get jealous usually, I'm not sure how to explain it but it almost doesn't ever happen. Now I have this ugly green monster in me because someone I love has been given an amazing opportunity to do something they've wanted. I'm excited for them, I'm happy for them, and I'm jealous of them. They got an opportunity that I never would have imagined getting when I was at the same point of my life they were.

Looking at the situational differences, I know that even if the same opportunity was offered to me at that point in my life, I wouldn't have been able to take it because of monetary matters but still. I feel silly for being jealous, silly, stupid, lame because it's such a useless emotion to have, for me at least.

Regardless of being jealous, I know that I will still be supportive, understanding and hope for the best for this person because that's who I am. Which makes this jealously thing just that much harder, how can you be jealous of someone yet give them 100% of your effort to help support them? The more I let this jealous monster get to me, the more that small part of me that wants this person to fail shows up.I feel like such an evil person.

Funny how the color green is used to represent jealousy, envy, and life. People say, I can't wait till things get green, it'll be so much more lively and fresh, yet at the same time it can represent something so dark and wrong.

I'm tired, not physically but emotionally, I don't know what's going on. I feel like I'm standing still watching the world change around me, without me. I'm scared, confused, and lost. I want the world to stop spinning because I'm too scared to walk when it's still moving, I want to pick up the pieces that have scattered and put them back where they belong, but I can't because they keep falling, they keep moving and I no longer know where to put them.

I want a warm cup of tea, a wood burning fireplace, a fuzzy blanket and a big husky to cuddle up with. Because for those few hours that I'm there, everything is alright and I don't have to make decisions, hid my feelings, share my feelings and fight this ugly monster that I don't know what to do with, I can be me, warm, loved and happy. :)

Quote of the day.

5 ways to waste time like no other.

1. Go to a park/mall on a Sunday or any day that's busy and people watch. Take someone with you, it's fun. :P
2. Go wait in line for a ride at the Stampede on the one day where people can get in for free before 9am. It's packed, it's hot, it's a long long wait.
3. Set up the home-made bread machine and watch your homemade break cook. (apx. time - 4HRS!)
4. This one is a no-brainier, surf the net...
5. Last but not least... spend it with that special someone, it will be well worth it and those memories will last forever. :)

Random Useless Fact

It’s estimated that at any one time around 0.7% of the world’s population is drunk.

Quote of the day.

Be good, if you can't be good, be good at it.

Some thoughts.

Strangest things said to me today: My sister told me that I am not who she thought I was. Now considering I've known my sister for as long as I've been alive, that statement took me by complete surprise and confused me just a wee bit. I asked her "what do you mean?" The answer isn't even worth putting up, because in short, she couldn't explain it to me.

That got me thinking, aren't people allowed to change? There is a statistic out there that says that most people change their professions about 5 times in a lifetime. Granted that might have been before all this post-secondary business where you go in with nothing and come out with a degree in Mathematics or Science or something else and are expected to find work in the field that you studied in.

There has been TONS of talk about sexual fluidity lately, it's like a scientific explanation for why some people are gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, queer, asexual, and others that I don't know. Do we need to label sexuality or is it just a process of finding yourself. The stories go both ways, straight for 20 years and one morning they walk up gay, gay for 40 years and one day you met that perfect person in the opposite sex. Would it be wrong to call people fluid?

I'm always amazed when people from a very young age know what they want to do and have their entire life plan set out. I had a friend in junior high who knew where and when she wanted to be married, have her first kid, be proposed to, along with a million other things. I've recently come to appreciate not setting boundaries for myself, or to set light ones, ones that bend and move so that if something unexpected happens - which most likely will, especially when you don't expect or want it to... - that I can just kind of go with the flow and adjust accordingly.

I've also meet people who are on the other end of the spectrum, they're so carefree and casual about events that I envy them, because they allow themselves to live without limitations. I think to myself, I want to be like THEM! and then I think about it some more and realize that no, I don't want to be like them, I just want a tiny piece of what they have.

Anyways, after reading through this I realize that all my thoughts are jumbled up and this post is everywhere and nowhere at the same time. :P I guess that's how I feel today. I'm a bit tired, a bit emotionally spent and it's getting close to bed time.

Quote of the day.

Do we keep our secrets, or do our secrets keep us?

Somewhat of a hyporcritical post....

Why is that we will force ourselves to be happy being unhappy because we don't want things to change. Is it that hard to take action?

I reached out to a friend a while back, because my intuition told me that she needed someone and guess what... she never got back to me! I mean really? I did it out of the goodness of my heart. It's not like I go around everyday doing things like this. I felt the need to tell her what I did and she just left it like it and didn't do anything about it... as far as I'm concerned. (I did find out that she is/was going through a rough patch from other friends)

I find that we’re constantly waiting around for something to happen instead of going out to make things happen. We wait till we graduate from high school before we do what we want. We wait till we graduate from university to do that one thing that we've always wanted which by the way, we never did after high school. We wait till we get that one job we've been waiting for our entire lives... as if that'll fall into your lap. (This is me being cynical.) I mean sometimes it does but why not go and get it?

If I'm giving you the opportunity to make something happen, then DO IT! (ground work laid out!) What are you waiting for? That shining star that’s gonna make everything alright?

If I'm taking the effort to reach out to you, why aren't you taking it? I don't understand.

Alright, maybe I’m taking this a bit far and she’s been busy and blah blah blah. Ever heard the saying “it’s not an excuse it’s an explanation.”

*sigh* I'm a bit grumpy right now. Had a fine day, but I have this pounding headache and my med haven't kicked in yet. :S (an excuse? and explanation? take it as you will.) I will try to make the next post a happier one. :P

p.s. All this stuff I've written above, I gotta admit that I'm guilty of it as well. I wonder if I ever pissed someone off with my waiting...

Oops...

Here's a hint to all the me's out there who are a bit clueless...
Never piss off your hairdresser while you're still in the chair, bad things can happen. Luckily mine isn't one to hold a grudge...

Guts spilled. =P

I'm Chinese, so I grew up in what I've termed as your typical Asian house hold. Many things were simply not said, they were open to interpretation, even then, there really was and is only one right interpretation. You either knew or you didn't, it was as simple as that.

The only time you would mostly likely get a straight answer would be when you were in trouble, even then sometimes things got confusing especially when we were little. I've come to learn the art of non-verbal communication but after 21 years I still get confused at times.

Anyways, I knew one of my parents were mad at the other one because of the tension in the air. I don't know if anyone else felt it but I certainly did. It got to the point where at the end of the weekend, I was hearing things from both sides that were silly and trivial. My mom would tell me something and then my dad would tell me the same thing, meaning that if they would only talk to EACH OTHER, they would be able to figure things out. -.-

Of course they didn't, it being Mother's Day weekend, I tried my best to keep peace and be the in between person without so much blowing up at both of them and sticking them in a room so that they could duke it out themselves.

By Sunday afternoon I was pretty much worn out from the drama going on. They have more stuff going than I do... and I'm suppose to have the drama filled life. =S Sunday afternoon, I went out for a walk with my mom because I need some fresh air and she wanted to come with me. We talked about stuff, my mom never asks about my love life, I think she just doesn't want to know. It makes me kind of sad, but I've learnt that if I just give her time maybe she'll be more open to asking me one day. But the thing that ticked me off the most was when I was talking about meeting my adviser this coming week to figure out a plan for my education. I said to my mom because she wanted to know why I was going to see my adviser, "I just want to know what's the best way to finish my degree and still leave me the opportunity to go to Graduate School one day if I want to." This would be the very first time I've discussed Graduate school with my mom, I thought that she would be proud and happy for me and support me in my decision, but no, not really... her reply was, "Well, duh, of course you have to go to Graduate school, do you really think you'd be able to do anything with the degree you're getting without more education?"

Damn, if I was a balloon, she not only popped me but she set the pieces of fire as well. I was stunned that she would be so blunt about my lack of future with my degree. It makes me sad. I've worked my entire life to make my parents proud and I can't count the times I've disappointed them with only my fingers, I guess I can add this one of the list.

I'm sitting here shaking my head because there is a part of me that is saying, who cares, why does it matter if their disappointed, you're happy, genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. You can't see the finish line but it doesn't matter to you at the point, you just along for the ride.

Another part of my is piling on the disappointments and shame that my parents have managed to teach me far too well. Does it ever really stop?

After writing all this I know that I have to dust myself off, pick myself up and keep going, because one day they will be proud of me, as I am proud of myself. I will be somebody and something, it might take me a bit longer to get there and I may have to go through some obstacles but in the end I will make ME proud. =)

Quote of the day.

Know where you're from, love where you are. :)

I seriously have so many thoughts running through my head I don't even know where to start. I want to write down all the inspirational things that have been happening recently but every time something comes in my head I'm busy doing something else or don't have the time to write all of it down. I only have bits and pieces so I'm going to try to put them all into stuff that makes sense. I have so many little quotes and sayings written down that even I can't sort it all out.

Erm... now that I've written that I have no idea what to actually write. I've started 4 different entries but I haven't been able to finish them, so I'll just put this up for now. Ugh, I feel like I've disappointed.

But, this weekend is Mother's Day. Just a friendly reminder to let whoever is the mom figure in you life that you love them lots and all the good stuff.

Quote of the day.

Don't worry you will find the answer if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

Sarah McLachlan - Perfect Girl

Great day, not so great evening.

Yesterday, I had an amazing day hanging out and doing pretty much nothing. This would be the first time in forever I've been able to do it. =)

I went to the park and spent about 2 hours people watching(totally fun) and walking around(I can only sit for so long...), wrote in my journal(the last entry was from in March). Then I went to lunch with some friends which was good(patio, drinks, foods, laughs, good friends, you can't ask fore more. :D).

Ok, then here is the kicker. Yesterday evening I went out with a friend(A) that I've known since high school, she just got back from a trip so I was all excited to finally see her. About 2 hours before we were to meet, I got a "withheld" call on my phone, I answered it and it was another old friend(B) who I haven't seen since Dec and the last time we met up I honestly had one of the worst evenings of my life. Being completely bombarded and caught off guard, I told here time and location of our meet up and instantly regretted it even before I hung up.

To make this sound less horrible, B isn't a bad person but I've known her since high school as well and the three of us use to be really close, but we drifted apart and while me and A see each other all the time, I hardly ever see B and we've grown into different people with different priorities and that good stuff that comes with growing up.

At the end of the night, it definitely wasn't an awesome evening I had wanted and I wish it had gone better, but I realized that sometimes the best thing to do is make a clean cut but unfortunately I suck at that. How come breaking up with a friend is harder than breaking up with a partner?

She comes back to me when she needs me, when I need her she's nowhere to be seen. I don't want drama, I don't want to hurt her feelings and I want the fact that we've drifted apart to stick. The easiest way right... >.<

This took forever. I'm out.

um...

Disturbed yet? I am. And to think someone on the road does this every day. Maybe two, or even three. o.O

Quote of the day.

Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In the face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that make us hold it together.

Random Useless Fact

40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.

I have to say, I'm not one of the 40%...

Why is God laughing?

Why is God laughing? by: Deepak Chopra

I really liked this book. Here are some quotes from it:

• Fear tells you that you aren’t safe. But you are. Thinking that you aren't safe is an illusion. If you believe in an illusion, you’re buying into a lie.
• Anytime one of your fears comes true, you give feat the credit for having protected you until that moment. Which only encourages you to spend your while life anticipating disaster.
• This isn't about who's afraid and who's not. Fear is one of the strongest layers of illusion. It’s like a fog bank inside each person. But if you could pierce the fog, you'd see that something incredible lies on the other side. Something you can't even imagine
• When the pain of being the same becomes greater than the pain of being different, you change.
• Behind you is the world you know, a world that hides from fear and obeys the desires of the ego. In front of you is the unknown. The question is, will you step through the door?
• Addictions are artificial substitutes. You’re stuck on things that never bring you what you really want. You can't have real roses, so you buy plastic ones. You can't think sweet thoughts, so you gobble down sugar. You can't figure out how to be happy, so you make other people laugh.

Update! pt.2

Part 2 of this update will contain my other story of coming out.

This happened just this past weekend. I went home to visit family and friends for Easter. I met up with a friend of mine whom I've known since I was about 11. Pretty much my whole life.
I had been talking to her before hand, and I'd told her that I had something I needed to tell her not over the phone, not online but in person which confused her and all the fun jazz.
I ended up telling her while in the car taking us to lunch. I pretty much said, "So what I have to tell you is that I like girls." and all she said was "ok". Which totally surprised me, I've never had anyone respond that way at all.
It was awesome though, because it didn't make me feel like an outcast or different or anything, just that she now knew. She then thanked me for tell her and gave me a hug. What was great about it was she didn't ask me "If it was a phase", "If I was joking", "If it was because of pass relationships or anything like that." She simply excepted it as is. I love her for that. =)
I ended up showing her the picture of the girl I'm currently crushing on and it was just like showing her a picture of a guy. It was great.

Hope you enjoyed this. It was a lot easier to share than I thought. =)

Quote of the day.

Mostly, I can't be who you want me to be and who I want me to be at the same time.

Random Useless Fact

You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.

Update!

I hope everyone had a good holiday weekend and if you don't celebrate easter, I hope you had some chocolate or something. =)

Here is a bit on my life as of late... I came out when I was 18, I'm 21 now but for the last year or so I've pretty much lived in the closet. I guess you could call it a phase, you come in and out. I'd say that I'm a 90% lesbian and 10% straight, and I guess I could call myself a bisexual but usually I just tell people I'm into girls.

Anyways, I've been living in the closet for a while now, partly because all the people who I wanted/needed to tell already knew or all I had left were people I didn't want to tell.
This month, I've come out to 3 people that have been a large part of my life but I never got around to or didn't want to tell or put it off. There are many reasons, I'm sure anyone that's been in my position can name one or two right off the bat.

I recently told a good friend of mine that I'm gay and I avoided the internet for about a week to avoid her, because I was scared of her reaction. She doesn't live in the same city as me but we talk a lot and we visit each other 2-3 times a year. This whole avoiding her thing turned out to be totally lame because she's super supportive and much more stuff like that.I totally broke down after finally talking to her, I have no clue why ( I think it might have been relief). I felt like the world would eat me alive for telling her but it never did. >.< Of course, it helped that she was supportive and she was like "I knew it!!"

Come back later this week for another of my coming out experiences because I feel the need to share. =P

Quote of the day.

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

Random Useless Fact.

A duck quack does not echo.

Awesome Song!

Second Chance by Shinedown

My eyes are open wide
And by the way, I made it
Through the day
I watched the world outside
By the way, I'm leaving out Today

Well I just saw Hayley's comet, shw waved
Said "why you always running in place?
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere"

[Chorus]
Tell my mother,
Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

Please don't cry
One tear for me
I'm not afraid of
What I have to say
This is my one and
Only voice
So listen close, it's
Only for today

Well I just saw Hayley's comet, she waved
Said "why you always running in place?
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere"

[Chorus]
Tell my mother,
Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

Heres my chance
This is my chance

FML

FML has taken over the internet... if you don't know what it is, you live in a cave or don't have internet access. Either way, it's quite ok. Don't feel overly bad, it's quite easy to find it.
FML stands for "fuck my life" as site where people have the opportunity to talk about how messed up their lives can be.

Have some time to waste? Look up FML, you won't regret it, for the most part. It might actually make you more appreciative.

Later. =)

Best pet for virgos.

Virgos, who are very clean and often picky perfectionists, demand the best. The Bernese Mountain Dog satisfies all of a Virgo's high standards. These dogs are remarkably clean and are bred to be friendly and obedient servants. They are very easy to train and want to please as much as possible. This dog will gladly accompany a Virgo who donates time and services to a worthy cause and happily pitch in. Virgos will love working side-by-side with these diligent, loving dogs.

Want to know which pet is best for your sign? Click here.

Random Useless Fact

The name Vanilla comes from the Spanish word "vainilla", diminutive form of "vaina" (meaning "sheath"), which is in turn derived from Latin "vagina".

=D

Quote of the day.

Sometimes it is not about understanding the whys, but creating the becauses.

Generation Diva

A generation that primps and dyes and pulls and shapes, younger and with more vigor. Girls today are salon vets before they enter elementary school. Forget having mom trim your bangs, fourth graders are in the market for lush $50 haircuts; by the time they hit high school, $150 highlights are standard. Five-year-olds have spa days and pedicure parties. And instead of shaving their legs the old-fashioned way—with a 99-cent drugstore razor—teens get laser hair removal, the most common cosmetic procedure of that age group.

mhmm... sounds a bit crazy doesn't it. Here is the link, take a read yourself.

Today...

Today, I was in class and I glanced around the room before the teacher started to teach. To my suprise... there was no one with Tim Horton's Coffee Cups.

If you didn't know, it's roll up the rim to win time at Timmy's so it's super rare that no one in class has something from Timmy's.

Off I went to google for an image of a roll up the rim to win cup and I found this instead... apparently, some super smart person out there invented a rim roller upper. That's not it's correct name but that's what I'll call it. Here's a picture...

WTF? we really that lazy?

Random Useless Fact.

Welcome to my new segment called, Random Useless Fact.

Today's fact is:

"Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. "

Did you participate in Earth Hour?

We did. We sat in the living room with candles playing silly word games and pictionary for over 2 hours. Wasn't a bad waste of time. =P

Sydney, Australia, 2007

p.s. Pictionary in the dark is kind of hard. Especially when you aren't a great drawer...

Quotes of the day.

“I never thought it was worth it, you know waiting for your love, and then I felt your kiss, I could wait forever for this”

“Too many people go through life waiting for things to happen instead of making them happen!”

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.”

Waiting...

I no longer want to wait for you, or do I?

It's been a while since I last heard from you. I thought that we had a connection. A part of me tells me to move on and stop waiting, because you are obviously not coming. That's also the part of me that carries logic and reason. But right now, right this moment, I don't want to listen to that.

Wishful thinking has me hoping and waiting for you. I tell myself that we had a "thing" going, that if we had the chance, maybe it could be something great.

I want something great, I'll even settle for something a bit better than good. Actually, I don't know what I want but I can say that this waiting isn't what I want, I don't want to wait for you anymore.

If I keep telling myself, maybe I will believe it enough to leave you in the past.

I don't want to wait anymore.

Out of the Closet, at Gunpoint

Coming out isn't easy... sometimes we need a gentle persuasion, sometimes we need a life changing event. Here is a story of a young Muslim man coming out to his parents under strained circumstances.

Out of the Closet, at Gunpoint

The best line in the whole article, and the one that can give us hope is... "Over time, my parents have come to accept my life." in the last paragraph. =)

Quote of the day.

When we tell our stories, a funny thing happens, stereotypes begins to shatter, barriers dissolve and our humanity begins to shine through.

Tell a story, change a life.

Growing up...

Today I was asked what I wanted to be when I was a kid. The fist thing that came to mind was a firefighter. When I was about 6 or 7, my school took me to the fire station and for the longest time I thought that being a firefighter would fulfill my life's dream. When I got to around 10, I probably watched a movie or cartoon of some sort and decided that I wanted to be a treasure hunter. I wanted a sidekick as well as a parrot, which made it very pirate-like.

And now, when I think about what I want to be, I realize that being a treasure hunter is pretty much out of the question.

Why is it that we make it so easy to for children to dream big and we even encourage it, but when the time comes we have so many restraints to what we can do and how we can do it? Doesn't that seem a little bit mean?

Now that I've renewed my desire to be a treasure hunter... I will go and study for my abnormal psychology midterm. =P

Best t-shirt ever!!!

I've found the best t-shirt on this earth... for me that is. I can't wait till my order comes in the mail. =D
I'm ecstatic over a t-shirt... yes, I'm pretty easy to please. ;)

The Five People You Meet in Heaven.

I recently read this book "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" by Mitch Albom. It's a easy and wonderful book and if you're looking for a new book to read, you should give this one a try.

The title pretty much explains what the book will be about, simply this man dies, and he goes to heaven, where he meets 5 people who will put his life into perspective for him.

Anyways, here were my favorite quotes from the book:

- "It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed."

- "Fairness does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young."

- "Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you’re not really losing it. You’re just passing it on to someone else."

- "Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves. "

Quote of the day.

It's spring fever. That is what the name of it is. And when you've got it, you want - oh, you don't quite know what it is you do want, but it just fairly makes your heart ache, you want it so!



Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush.

Almost mid-march!

Today is Friday the 13...
it means that in about a week spring is officially suppose to arrive. Although it's hard to say if it will, regardless, I can't believe how fast this year has gone by. It seems like just yesterday was the 1st of the year.
Am I the only one to think that way?

I'm not sure how it works for everyone else but our location had our clocks changed to daylight savings. I have no clue what this is truly about so I did some research. Here are some interesting facts about Daylight savings:
- it apparently saves energy. there are studies that prove that all the savings we do during the summer will be wasted when winter rolls around, because consumption of energy during the winter is high. What about AC machines? Won't ppl run them more because of the extra hour?
- changing time results in fewer auto accidents. I know that the first work day AFTER daylight savings is horrible for accidents, even the police say so.
- increases voter turnout. This one makes NO sense at all...
- makes better use of daylight. This one is at the top of my list... I like the long summer nights. =) Their good for stuff and stuffs.
- approximately 70 countries utilize Daylight Saving Time in at least a portion of the country. That seems like a very small number. I know Saskatchewan doesn't do it... but every other province does... I think.

I have to say that personally, daylight savings throws off my internal clock and makes me have a bad sleeping week all together. I'd like to live somewhere where they don't do daylight savings and see if it really makes that much of a difference.

Anyways, I really had nothing else to write about except that SPRING is coming. =)

Have a good weekend.

XO

Quote of the day.

This is a BAD quote... don't follow it, but it coincides with my previous post about procrastination... =P

Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow.

A serious case of procrastination....

So I have a big paper due tomorrow and I haven't exactly started writing it yet. I've done all the research for it and I've collected quotes and done my APA reference list but the paper doesn't exist yet...
I've had pretty much all day to do it, it's about 5pm now, I went out for dim sum at 11ish and got home by 1pm, but I have yet to start writing it.
I spend an hour or 2 online, I went through my entire e-mail account "organizing" old e-mails, and now I'm updating my blog.
Why, you ask, haven't I started writing my paper, I'm obviously sitting in front of my computer and wasting time... but I'll do anything but write this paper. Maybe now that I've pretty much exhausted all the possibilities of time wasting, I'll finally get down to it...
I can try. =P
Later. XO

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away.

Quote of the day

25 things.

1) I love my family... though they don't always love me.

2) I'm excited to enter the real world (have a grown-up job) but I'm not quite ready yet and as much as it excites me, it scares me shit-less as well.

3) Most of my really really good friends don't live in the same city I do. =(

4) I'm 21 and am still not quite sure what I want out of life. I envy the people who know from a very young age exactly what they want and work their ass off to get it.

5) I went to 3 different elementary schools as a kid.

6) I love to send snail-mail.

7) I'm a bit of a germaphobe... maybe a bit more than a bit.

8) Secretely I want to be a race car driver, if you see someone going a bit too fast and weaving in and out of traffic... chances are it's me. =P

9) I'm a twinkie, banana... whatever else you want to call it. Yellow on the outside, white on the inside.

10) I love to ski and snowboard, though I perfer to ski.

11) The only bone I've ever broken is my middle finger on the right hand. I had to wear a splint on that finger for a month.

12) I have a collection of shot glasses but have never actually used one from my collection.

13) I've kept a diary on and off since I was in gr.6.

14) My first cd was Britney Spears.

15) I'm a huge country fan. Terri Clark is my all-time favorite.

16) I spent 3 years in Nursing, only to realize that it really wasn't what I wanted.

17) I have a bamboo plant in my bedroom, her name is Sally.

18) I love chocolate, Cadbury is one of my favorite brands.

19) More times than not I speak before I think things through, it often gets me in trouble.

20) I have never completely read a Harry Potter book (started book 1, couldn't get past the 2nd chapter, tried to read the 5th or 6th one and got about 6 chapters in) and never heard of the Twilight series until the movie was about to come out. Please don't kill me.

21) I have some serious anger issues, I get angry very quickly but it often goes as quick as it comes. My family swears that I have some degree of bi-polar disorder.

22) I see a psychologist, and she disagrees with the statement above.

23) The only pets I had growing up were fish, someone was allergic to something or something another was always the reason.

24) I drink water, it's my favorite drink in the world. I'll choose water over juice, pop, alcohol, tea, and pretty much everything else that you can drink.

25) I like to take long walks by myself without my cellphone.

Quote of the day.

I'm responsible for what I say, but I'm not responsible for what you hear.

Just a bit broken...

It's been 3 years since you've left, and every time I think about you it hurts just like the first time. I miss you so much, it's crazy. They tell me that it'll fade as the years go by and sometimes it does. Sometimes its better and I know that you're in a better place but other times I'm selfish and wonder why you ever left me. I can't help but wonder what if, what if you were still here; would we be in complete different phases in our lives? Would we still be together?

I know it wasn't your fault nor was it mine, you didn't choose to leave it me; I didn't choose to leave you, it was just the circumstance. Can you call death a circumstance? I would give so much to have just another minute with you. To tell you how much you mean to me and how much you've changed my life, how much I still love you.

In my dreams you are real, your smile, your arms, the twinkle in your eyes when you laugh, it's all so real but when I open my eyes it's gone. YOU are gone.

Sometimes I go days without thinking about you and when I finally do I feel like I've let you down, that I've somehow forgotten you.

Sometimes I think I hear your laugh and I look around expecting to find you, at the mall if I see the back of someone that resembles you I rush up to see if it's you even though I know it's impossible and that it won't be you.

Another year passes and as I reach another milestone I never thought I would, I look back and remember all the times you were with me, all the times you held my hand and told me that I could, that I would.

How I wish you were here to celebrate with me… today my heart hurts just a bit more, for you, for us, for all the time we will never have.

I will always love you, no matter whoever else comes and goes in my life, you will always be in my heart.

I miss you so much. ♥ XOXO

Quote of the day.

The grass is often only greener on the other side because we've neglected to take care of the grass on the side that we're standing.

A note to God.

I'm not sure how many of you know this... but I'm catholic. I wrote this note for God but I figure that he wouldn't mind if I shared it with everyone else. =)


You are always there when I need you. All I need to do is ask, and you give. You give and give and never ask for anything back. I can always depend on you in the good and the bad. I know that you are in every shade of life but I often don’t see you. My excuses are many but the one I use most is that I forget, I forget because I’m too busy with my life, I forget because I don’t put you first on my list, I forget because you are there all the time. I take advantage of your charity but no matter what I do to push you away or however many times I’ve forgotten you; you are still there when I need you most. And no matter if I’m too busy, if I’m too down, if I’m too happy, you are always at my side. You walk with me and sometimes you carry me when I don’t have the strength or the courage to walk on my own. You have given me so much and I forget to thank you more often than not.

When I am weak, you are my strength.
When I am scared, you are my courage.
When I feel useless, you remind me of the good I’ve done.
In the coldest hour, you give me warmth.
In the darkest hour, you are my light.

Being humble.

It's always nice to hear people complement you but when you start complementing yourself you've built yourself up to be an idol in your own head...that's when you stop listening to others, taking criticism, and learning from your mistakes.

Criticism may hurt at times but it helps us grow, it shows us what is wrong with what we are doing and it gives us an opportunity to better what we have done or created. It's okay for us to want to stroke our egos sometimes, it can help us feel better and it can make us want to work harder.

And so I want to say: Thank you for looking up to me, I'm glad I can be your role model. But please remember, I'm human, I make mistakes too... the higher you put me, the farther and harder I will fall.

Hip hip horray!

School week over. =D

Wow, I don't think I've had such a hard week at school before. As previously mentioned, I had 3 midterms along with 2 papers and one 80minute presentation for school this week. All due from Tuesday-Thursday. It was kind of insane.

So happy that it's over now. =D

Amazingly I kind of enjoyed it, I hate being nervous before a test but this is honestly the first time in a long time I've been excited about school. Even my family has told me that they've heard me say more positive things about school this semester.

Yes I was stressed out this week but it was a good kind of stress. One that I was willing to take and battle because I knew that the outcome would be positive.

hmm, it's refreshing to be enjoying it so much. I definitely hope that this feels keeps up.
Anyways, I'll put more up soon, I've been writing lots.

Take Care.
XO

Quote of the day.

The passion to ride, its what drives us to wake up before the sun, load up our gear and head to the mountains while our neighbors sleep. It changes the meaning of winter storm warning. Drives us to question whats possible and never ever take no for an answer. It creates unlikely friendships, unforgettable days, countless stories and a culture devoted to riding down a slope and having fun.

Quote of the day.

If you have nothing intelligent to say, say nothing at all.

Yummy. =D

♥ for fire + ♥ for food + ♥ for alcohol = flambé!!!

Quote of the day.

If you stay in your comfort zone all the time, you will never grow.

"You've changed..."

One of my professors today mentioned this in class, she said something along the lines of: "remember when people say 'you've changed' its only because you've stopped living your life 'their way'". How this quote could be more true is beyond me.

I've always wonder what makes people act different from the way they act the first time you meet them or even the last time you happened to bump into them. People change for good or for bad, but we see through our own self-perceived lens, we expect people to stay the same, be the same person every time we meet them. And when they're different what we tell them is that "they've changed", it may be something stubble like they smile more or they are less welcoming and meaner. But really we should be saying that our perception of this person is what's hasn't changed, people are dynamic they're not static, it's impossible for you to meet someone that will act the exact same way every time we see them.

There are circumstances that make people different, perhaps they've had a particular difficult day, maybe they have had a lot of stress in their lives lately, isn't it more supportive for us to embrace that change then it is to tell them that their different, the words "you've changed" often come with a negative connotation that you're different, you not normal, what's wrong with you that you can't stay the same?

My way of life and your way of life will undoubtedly be different. My past, my upbringing all affect who I am today, the events and hurdles I went through to get to where I am today make me who I am. Do I wish that some events played out differently... of course I do, but in the end, every step, every breath I've taken has molded me and some have made me stronger some have made me weaker. I am most definitely not the same as that junior in high school, nor the same person I was when I turned 19, I may even be different today then I was yesterday.

So, I'll put this out there, when we're about to tell someone that they've "changed" maybe instead we should be asking ourselves how we haven't changed.

hee hee, another thinker, but it's been a while since I put up thought provoking blogs, so enjoy. =D

Appetizer to start the day. =D

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin.

Quote of the day.

A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend laughs at you and trips you again.

The last line is hilarious.

It's always there. Waiting and calling to you. Fark. Reddit. Facebook. Dolphin Olympics. It may take only a couple minutes out of your day, but you know you're wasting time on this stuff whether you should be working on that spreadsheet or washing the dishes.

Time-wasting, or rather "chronic procrastination," is hardly a laughing matter, according to Professor Joseph Ferrari of Chicago's DePaul University. According to an insightful story in UK's Observer, it's a profound "social and economic" problem and, thanks to technology, it's far worse than you could ever imagine.

Procrastination isn't just idle laziness. There are real social consequences to wasting time. Per the story, "it encourages depression, lowers self-esteem, causes insomnia, and indirectly affects health by discouraging visits to the dentist or doctor. Sufferers are also more likely to have accidents at home involving unmended appliances." Makes sense if you think about it.

Of course, it's the economic impact that has businesses more concerned. Distractions aren't just limited to the lure of the web. That little chime that rings when an email message arrives, says research from Calgary University, causes a 0.5 percent drop in the Gross Domestic Product here in the United States, costing the country $70 billion a year, as employees are distracted from the task they're supposed to be focused on.

Tech is the real driver in this trend, which now impacts 1 in 4 people, up from 1 in 20 a few decades ago. But some scientists say procrastination is hard wired in our brains: People have always wasted time, and evolution may be responsible for developing an "automatic response" mechanism inside us, one which innately told us to drop the cave painting and run if a tiger came sniffing around the cave.

On the other hand, some say procrastination is still useful in tiger-free times: Earlier this year one study found that personal web use (including video games and social networking) helps employees get their jobs done more efficiently (and raises profits) by fostering a "trusting" environment and helping staffers feel at ease in the workplace. Obviously there's a fine line between "wasting time" and "taking a little break." Where that line actually falls remains a mystery.

Now stop reading blogs and get back to work.

By Chris Null
Here is the link.

Quote of the day.

"The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood; ugly,pretty, handsome; what have you. The right person's still gonna think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person worth sticking with."

It confuses me...

It confuses me when you tell me one thing and do another. When you treat me different than others. It makes me wonder how real it is or if it's just a fragment of my imagination.
I get confused when you tell me what I want to hear instead of what you want to say. I know it's not easy to tell the truth sometimes and that it hurts but confusing me doesn't help the situation.
I wish that it was as easy as learning your ABC's but it's not. It's more complicated than that and you make it even more complicated sometimes.
I'm tired, I wish that it was easier than this, I want things to be uncomplicated, and simple. Maybe I'm just asking for too much.

I'm going through a phase... it's the first one of this New Year. It certainly didn't take long. I hate these phases, I always get through them but when it hits rock bottom there is nothing that makes it seem like it's going to go away.

I'm lost, confused and feel utterly alone. I have an amazing support system but I don't know how to use it.

I doubt myself at every turn, at every stop, at everything. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes I stop and want to just say "screw it, it's not worth it."

I want a second chance, a chance to go back to before I came out, a chance to wash away the pain and uncertainty that I brought onto myself for saying what I said, a chance to hang out with my best friend again. Why did things happen the way they did?

On a day like today, I don't feel stronger, I don't feel wiser and I definitely don't feel confident. I want the easy option, to crawl into a hole and hide until the darkness passes but I can't find one.

So I'll sit myself down, under a tree and wait, hoping that this storm too will pass.