Out of Color

I'm going through a phase... it's the first one of this New Year. It certainly didn't take long. I hate these phases, I always get through them but when it hits rock bottom there is nothing that makes it seem like it's going to go away.

I'm lost, confused and feel utterly alone. I have an amazing support system but I don't know how to use it.

I doubt myself at every turn, at every stop, at everything. I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Sometimes I stop and want to just say "screw it, it's not worth it."

I want a second chance, a chance to go back to before I came out, a chance to wash away the pain and uncertainty that I brought onto myself for saying what I said, a chance to hang out with my best friend again. Why did things happen the way they did?

On a day like today, I don't feel stronger, I don't feel wiser and I definitely don't feel confident. I want the easy option, to crawl into a hole and hide until the darkness passes but I can't find one.

So I'll sit myself down, under a tree and wait, hoping that this storm too will pass.