Ever have one of those days where everything is emotional even when they shouldn't be. You see a cat run across the street during rush hour traffic, seeing it reach the other side safely tugs at your heart just a little bit. The movies watched, the conversations had, the thoughts that run through your head, all them add up to this big emotional ball that you don't know what to do with.
Do you tell someone how you're feeling? What happens when you feel like you'll be burdening that other person? What if you don't want advice, you just want to talk? You want someone to be there to hear you, to actually hear you, even when you don't say all the words.
How do you stay sane when everything feel chaotic? I recently bumped into the big green wall of envy and jealously. Here's the thing, I don't get jealous usually, I'm not sure how to explain it but it almost doesn't ever happen. Now I have this ugly green monster in me because someone I love has been given an amazing opportunity to do something they've wanted. I'm excited for them, I'm happy for them, and I'm jealous of them. They got an opportunity that I never would have imagined getting when I was at the same point of my life they were.
Looking at the situational differences, I know that even if the same opportunity was offered to me at that point in my life, I wouldn't have been able to take it because of monetary matters but still. I feel silly for being jealous, silly, stupid, lame because it's such a useless emotion to have, for me at least.
Regardless of being jealous, I know that I will still be supportive, understanding and hope for the best for this person because that's who I am. Which makes this jealously thing just that much harder, how can you be jealous of someone yet give them 100% of your effort to help support them? The more I let this jealous monster get to me, the more that small part of me that wants this person to fail shows up.I feel like such an evil person.
Funny how the color green is used to represent jealousy, envy, and life. People say, I can't wait till things get green, it'll be so much more lively and fresh, yet at the same time it can represent something so dark and wrong.
I'm tired, not physically but emotionally, I don't know what's going on. I feel like I'm standing still watching the world change around me, without me. I'm scared, confused, and lost. I want the world to stop spinning because I'm too scared to walk when it's still moving, I want to pick up the pieces that have scattered and put them back where they belong, but I can't because they keep falling, they keep moving and I no longer know where to put them.
I want a warm cup of tea, a wood burning fireplace, a fuzzy blanket and a big husky to cuddle up with. Because for those few hours that I'm there, everything is alright and I don't have to make decisions, hid my feelings, share my feelings and fight this ugly monster that I don't know what to do with, I can be me, warm, loved and happy. :)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
It's okay to feel jealous. I know we hate too, but it's okay. Pushing it away, is going to make it stronger right?
I'm not a husky, but I'd love to cuddle with you.
No CPR kay? =P lol
jokes.
We can do that as much as you want. Just as long as we get to cuddle ._. ;)
Post a Comment