Guts spilled. =P

I'm Chinese, so I grew up in what I've termed as your typical Asian house hold. Many things were simply not said, they were open to interpretation, even then, there really was and is only one right interpretation. You either knew or you didn't, it was as simple as that.

The only time you would mostly likely get a straight answer would be when you were in trouble, even then sometimes things got confusing especially when we were little. I've come to learn the art of non-verbal communication but after 21 years I still get confused at times.

Anyways, I knew one of my parents were mad at the other one because of the tension in the air. I don't know if anyone else felt it but I certainly did. It got to the point where at the end of the weekend, I was hearing things from both sides that were silly and trivial. My mom would tell me something and then my dad would tell me the same thing, meaning that if they would only talk to EACH OTHER, they would be able to figure things out. -.-

Of course they didn't, it being Mother's Day weekend, I tried my best to keep peace and be the in between person without so much blowing up at both of them and sticking them in a room so that they could duke it out themselves.

By Sunday afternoon I was pretty much worn out from the drama going on. They have more stuff going than I do... and I'm suppose to have the drama filled life. =S Sunday afternoon, I went out for a walk with my mom because I need some fresh air and she wanted to come with me. We talked about stuff, my mom never asks about my love life, I think she just doesn't want to know. It makes me kind of sad, but I've learnt that if I just give her time maybe she'll be more open to asking me one day. But the thing that ticked me off the most was when I was talking about meeting my adviser this coming week to figure out a plan for my education. I said to my mom because she wanted to know why I was going to see my adviser, "I just want to know what's the best way to finish my degree and still leave me the opportunity to go to Graduate School one day if I want to." This would be the very first time I've discussed Graduate school with my mom, I thought that she would be proud and happy for me and support me in my decision, but no, not really... her reply was, "Well, duh, of course you have to go to Graduate school, do you really think you'd be able to do anything with the degree you're getting without more education?"

Damn, if I was a balloon, she not only popped me but she set the pieces of fire as well. I was stunned that she would be so blunt about my lack of future with my degree. It makes me sad. I've worked my entire life to make my parents proud and I can't count the times I've disappointed them with only my fingers, I guess I can add this one of the list.

I'm sitting here shaking my head because there is a part of me that is saying, who cares, why does it matter if their disappointed, you're happy, genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. You can't see the finish line but it doesn't matter to you at the point, you just along for the ride.

Another part of my is piling on the disappointments and shame that my parents have managed to teach me far too well. Does it ever really stop?

After writing all this I know that I have to dust myself off, pick myself up and keep going, because one day they will be proud of me, as I am proud of myself. I will be somebody and something, it might take me a bit longer to get there and I may have to go through some obstacles but in the end I will make ME proud. =)