Ok, so my neighbor across the street has the cutest little Pomeranian terrier mix dog. It's great... until it barks. So I know this sounds mean, but it barks at EVERYTHING!
On top of it all, this neighbor lets her dog out all the time, so when a car drives by... all you hear is this high pitched bark, it doesn't even have a nice bark. UGH!
I don't mind it usually, but seriously, tonight, I'm considering going over there to make her take the dog back in.
Long day, so deadly tired and all I hear is barking.
Am I really being mean? or just being reasonable?
After writing this, I'm much calmer, I'll just close my window and turn up my music.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Quote of the day.
"The most important thing is at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."
Sunday, June 28, 2009
You're asking me, for my opinion?
We were going to go out for lunch. Dim Sum to be exact, I love dim sum. But while I was sitting on the couch, watch Sunday morning cartoons which still rock my socks sometimes, my mom comes in 3 different times to ask about her outfit.
The first time was alright, I told her that I liked the turquoise more than the blue. Not a hard question. The second time she asked me to color match her shirt with some pants... ugh??? (me, I'm a jeans and tank top kind of girl, no matching colors required!) I tell her "I'm not sure; I think that one looks good." (Pointing to the pair that looked like they could match her top) I seriously didn't know. I think if it was as easy for girls to be color blind as guys, I would be color blind. I can't match color for the life of me.
She came back about 10 minutes later with the top and the pants I picked and ask me which sweater she should wear, ugh???, it's like 25C outside, this morning when I went for my run, I thought it was hot, it's definitely HOT now, "you don't need a sweater". "Just in case." She tells me. I look; she's got a green one and a black one in her hands. "The black one, I guess" thinking that in my world black matches with EVERYTHING. She tries on the black one, hmm and haaas over it then takes it off and tries on the green one. Then she asks me again, "Which one looks better?" I turn away from my cartoons as I know I won't be able to enjoy any more sponge bob till I give her a good answer and I say "Try them on again." She does, but seriously, I don't know. I have no idea. They both look similar to me. "The black one" I say after some carefully consideration. "Are you sure?" She asks, like I'm lying to her or something. "I think so."
She leaves and comes back, of course with the green one on. You'd figure that she would eventually stop asking me if she knows that I have no fashion sense at all. Me in my pink tank top, blue gym shorts and white ankle socks. (Disaster. I know)
I think she's picked out her outfit, it's over right? No. >.< It's not. She now needs me to pick out a purse for her. By now, my dad and my brother have joined me on the couch waiting for the rest of them to get ready.
She comes in with two red purses, one is big and the other one is littler. She looks at me and ask, "which one do you like better?" I must of given her some sort of look because everyone just burst out laughing. I give my brother and my dad a glare, which doesn't stop their laughing. (At least someone finds humor in my torture) "The smaller one." To my horror, she hands me the smaller one and says, "You can have it." um... o.0 "I don't want it, I think the smaller one looks better that's all." She laughs and tells us that she'll be ready in 5 minutes. (whew)
And yes, dim sum did end up being awesome. :)
The first time was alright, I told her that I liked the turquoise more than the blue. Not a hard question. The second time she asked me to color match her shirt with some pants... ugh??? (me, I'm a jeans and tank top kind of girl, no matching colors required!) I tell her "I'm not sure; I think that one looks good." (Pointing to the pair that looked like they could match her top) I seriously didn't know. I think if it was as easy for girls to be color blind as guys, I would be color blind. I can't match color for the life of me.
She came back about 10 minutes later with the top and the pants I picked and ask me which sweater she should wear, ugh???, it's like 25C outside, this morning when I went for my run, I thought it was hot, it's definitely HOT now, "you don't need a sweater". "Just in case." She tells me. I look; she's got a green one and a black one in her hands. "The black one, I guess" thinking that in my world black matches with EVERYTHING. She tries on the black one, hmm and haaas over it then takes it off and tries on the green one. Then she asks me again, "Which one looks better?" I turn away from my cartoons as I know I won't be able to enjoy any more sponge bob till I give her a good answer and I say "Try them on again." She does, but seriously, I don't know. I have no idea. They both look similar to me. "The black one" I say after some carefully consideration. "Are you sure?" She asks, like I'm lying to her or something. "I think so."
She leaves and comes back, of course with the green one on. You'd figure that she would eventually stop asking me if she knows that I have no fashion sense at all. Me in my pink tank top, blue gym shorts and white ankle socks. (Disaster. I know)
I think she's picked out her outfit, it's over right? No. >.< It's not. She now needs me to pick out a purse for her. By now, my dad and my brother have joined me on the couch waiting for the rest of them to get ready.
She comes in with two red purses, one is big and the other one is littler. She looks at me and ask, "which one do you like better?" I must of given her some sort of look because everyone just burst out laughing. I give my brother and my dad a glare, which doesn't stop their laughing. (At least someone finds humor in my torture) "The smaller one." To my horror, she hands me the smaller one and says, "You can have it." um... o.0 "I don't want it, I think the smaller one looks better that's all." She laughs and tells us that she'll be ready in 5 minutes. (whew)
And yes, dim sum did end up being awesome. :)
Friday, June 26, 2009
Ready!
For three and a half years I let it take control of my life. I let it consume me and let it force me into making decisions I knew were wrong. Decisions that even today I don’t fully understand. I let this choice, this decision dictate everything that I did. I didn’t stand up to it. Maybe I didn’t know how. Maybe I didn’t want to. Maybe I felt it was easier to be unhappy than to battle the unknown.
I’m not even sure what happened. Three and a half years later I feel like I’ve finally awaken and I’m ready to start something new. I want to be someone else. Someone not consumed by my own past. I’m ready to move on, to start a new chapter in my life.
To live without the consequences of my past, to live for the future.
I’m not even sure what happened. Three and a half years later I feel like I’ve finally awaken and I’m ready to start something new. I want to be someone else. Someone not consumed by my own past. I’m ready to move on, to start a new chapter in my life.
To live without the consequences of my past, to live for the future.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Quote of the day.
Everyone has failures in life, ultimately we all fail. Who we are, the standards to which we are measured, lies in our response to those failures.
Heterophobia
Just watched a play called heterophobia. It was about a girl who lives in a gay world, one where everyone is gay and people who were straight are the ones that are strange, the ones who have problems and have a perceived illness. It basically reverses the world we live in.
It made fun of all the straight stereotypes and for a second gives a glimpse of what the world could be like if everything was reversed. And it got me thinking “why do we judge people no matter what their differences are?” “Why do we choose to cause so much pain within others when we know what the pain is like?”
How often do we hear about the hate within a community? How we put others down when they are in the same situation as we once were. When all we wanted at that time was compassion and understanding. Maybe we got it. Maybe we didn’t.
But if we know the depths of the pain and confusion that we went through what makes us want to let someone else go through that all by themselves? And not only do we let them go through it themselves we make it harder for them. Why do we give them all the ignorance and discrimination that we faced?
I know I’ve done it. I know that I’ve been on the receiving end of it. I don’t even think that when I did it, I realized how much of an effect that it would have on that person. I figured, “someone did it to me, its okay if I do it to someone else… right?”
It made fun of all the straight stereotypes and for a second gives a glimpse of what the world could be like if everything was reversed. And it got me thinking “why do we judge people no matter what their differences are?” “Why do we choose to cause so much pain within others when we know what the pain is like?”
How often do we hear about the hate within a community? How we put others down when they are in the same situation as we once were. When all we wanted at that time was compassion and understanding. Maybe we got it. Maybe we didn’t.
But if we know the depths of the pain and confusion that we went through what makes us want to let someone else go through that all by themselves? And not only do we let them go through it themselves we make it harder for them. Why do we give them all the ignorance and discrimination that we faced?
I know I’ve done it. I know that I’ve been on the receiving end of it. I don’t even think that when I did it, I realized how much of an effect that it would have on that person. I figured, “someone did it to me, its okay if I do it to someone else… right?”
Monday, June 22, 2009
JUNE!!!
I started a 3 week training session which has taken up all my time. With work and play along with training I've virtually had no time to come online. :P
But this will be the last week of training so hopefully I will have more time after. I have been writing, just haven't had time to post them up. If anyone knows how to schedule post, please let me know. That way I can try to blog them evenly. :)
But right now. I'm on a mini long weekend. I took monday and tuesday off to go out of town, which has been nice. I'm really just sitting around, playing cards, board games, watching tv shows (charmed!) or movies...
Went to see the Proposal on friday night. It's an awesomely funny movie. Definitely worth a watch if you've got nothing else to do. Transformers comes out this week! I'm excited to see that.
Thanks for reading.
But this will be the last week of training so hopefully I will have more time after. I have been writing, just haven't had time to post them up. If anyone knows how to schedule post, please let me know. That way I can try to blog them evenly. :)
But right now. I'm on a mini long weekend. I took monday and tuesday off to go out of town, which has been nice. I'm really just sitting around, playing cards, board games, watching tv shows (charmed!) or movies...
Went to see the Proposal on friday night. It's an awesomely funny movie. Definitely worth a watch if you've got nothing else to do. Transformers comes out this week! I'm excited to see that.
Thanks for reading.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Quote of the day.
There is never death without life, never darkness without light, never pain without hope.
Today...
Today is one of those days where I say I can’t do this. I can’t be like this. There must be a solution. I can’t be gay. I can’t like girls. It’s so wrong. Today is one of those days where I need a positive reflection, any positive reflection, that I am ok. That I’m not going to burn in hell. That no, I have not made the choice to be gay. That I just am and there is nothing wrong with that. I need this reflection to help me get through this day. To allow me to feel like I belong to something, that I am someone who is a small part of a bigger picture. A bigger picture where one day I will be accepted for whom I am and who I love. No questions asked, no strange looks and no judgment, just acceptance.
Today is one of those days, where all those thoughts you’ve put in my head about how wrong it is that I am the way I am come up, that I should be able to be “cured” of this, that I have some horrible debilitating disease that will destroy everything you’ve worked so hard for.
Today is one of those days where I hold my head up high even though my heart is at my feet. Where when I get through it, I will be stronger.
Today is one of those days, where all those thoughts you’ve put in my head about how wrong it is that I am the way I am come up, that I should be able to be “cured” of this, that I have some horrible debilitating disease that will destroy everything you’ve worked so hard for.
Today is one of those days where I hold my head up high even though my heart is at my feet. Where when I get through it, I will be stronger.
The weekend is over. And as usual we had an amazing time.
We had laughs. Cries. Fights. Comfort. Growth. And so much more.
Every time we see each other we make more memories than we can possibly hold.
But as I leave this Sunday, we leave with an elephant still in the room.
I’m a strong believer that one should never going to bed angry... go away angry.
I’m sure that you are not angry anymore, you are probably just wary.
The conversation that happened yesterday still sits fresh in our heart and our minds. I still have no answer for you and you are still waiting for something else.
I promise you I’ll call when I get home and I will.
It’s not what we are saying it’s what we are not saying.
In the 10 minutes it took to have that conversation, we've changed our friendship forever.
Will it be stronger now? or have we managed to ruin the one thing that we never felt could break?
I feel the pain just as you do. It’s probably a different kind of pain but there is no doubt that this weekend has left a memory that neither of us felt would ever happen. And in both our heads and hearts the results are different, they SHOULD have been different.
As I drive away, I think I do love you... but, I’m not ready, not able to love you with all the love you deserve. I cannot ask you to wait for me. I do not know how long it will take. It would be unfair and selfish of me to ask you to wait. You deserve so much more from me, and maybe, just maybe, I do too.
We had laughs. Cries. Fights. Comfort. Growth. And so much more.
Every time we see each other we make more memories than we can possibly hold.
But as I leave this Sunday, we leave with an elephant still in the room.
I’m a strong believer that one should never going to bed angry... go away angry.
I’m sure that you are not angry anymore, you are probably just wary.
The conversation that happened yesterday still sits fresh in our heart and our minds. I still have no answer for you and you are still waiting for something else.
I promise you I’ll call when I get home and I will.
It’s not what we are saying it’s what we are not saying.
In the 10 minutes it took to have that conversation, we've changed our friendship forever.
Will it be stronger now? or have we managed to ruin the one thing that we never felt could break?
I feel the pain just as you do. It’s probably a different kind of pain but there is no doubt that this weekend has left a memory that neither of us felt would ever happen. And in both our heads and hearts the results are different, they SHOULD have been different.
As I drive away, I think I do love you... but, I’m not ready, not able to love you with all the love you deserve. I cannot ask you to wait for me. I do not know how long it will take. It would be unfair and selfish of me to ask you to wait. You deserve so much more from me, and maybe, just maybe, I do too.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I don't know
You look at me with confusion,
"you don't know?"
The confusion has turned to anger,
"How can you not know?
Am I not good enough?
Am I not strong enough?
Am I not pretty enough?"
I cut you off,
"Stop, it's not you it's me.
I'm the one that's not strong enough..."
I am just that,
not strong enough to jump in with you.
I rather stand on the sideline,
I'm too scare to get hurt,
I'm too scare to commit,
I'm barely strong enough for me,
let alone the both of us.
I can only just manage myself,
I can't pull you into my world.
It's not as bright and clear as you think,
underneath it all, I'm a 1000 piece puzzle,
only the edge has been made.
There is still 950 pieces to go,
most of them still need to be flipped over.
In this moment of time,
when you have opened yourself up,
when you are completely vulnerable,
I am completely clueless,
I do not want to lie to you,
I can not hurt you anymore.
I can only try to ask you to understand.
"I don't know how to love you,
because I don't know how to love myself."
"you don't know?"
The confusion has turned to anger,
"How can you not know?
Am I not good enough?
Am I not strong enough?
Am I not pretty enough?"
I cut you off,
"Stop, it's not you it's me.
I'm the one that's not strong enough..."
I am just that,
not strong enough to jump in with you.
I rather stand on the sideline,
I'm too scare to get hurt,
I'm too scare to commit,
I'm barely strong enough for me,
let alone the both of us.
I can only just manage myself,
I can't pull you into my world.
It's not as bright and clear as you think,
underneath it all, I'm a 1000 piece puzzle,
only the edge has been made.
There is still 950 pieces to go,
most of them still need to be flipped over.
In this moment of time,
when you have opened yourself up,
when you are completely vulnerable,
I am completely clueless,
I do not want to lie to you,
I can not hurt you anymore.
I can only try to ask you to understand.
"I don't know how to love you,
because I don't know how to love myself."
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Where does all the time go?
Ok, so I've decided that I need more hours in a day. Or some way to stretch out my days, because I get up in the morning, and the next thing I know it's time for bed.
What's the deal with that? I mean I shouldn't be complaining because it's probably a very good thing that I've been so busy, but still, I just want one hour where I can sit and do nothing.
I can't believe it's Wednesday already, I remember coming home Sunday and thinking, I hope it's a good quick week. Guess what? It has been an amazingly quick week. And it's noon already, which means that the day is about a third over. o.0
There are so many things I need to do sometime this week. I need to go get my car detailed and cleaned because I want to and it's spring so I want all the guck from winter off it. I need to do some laundry or I'll be going commando super soon. I need to finish cleaning my room, put away my winter gear, wash my windows, mow the lawn, and probably some other stuff I can't remember.
As for the last two postings... they're not finished, but I'm not entirely sure I want to put the rest of it up. It was an actual event in my life and I feel super stupid towards it at the moment. There is more, and it's gets dumber.
To the person who reads this and the postings and was on the receiving end, I'm sorry, there really are not enough words I can use to justify my actions that day.
To everyone else who read them, know that I'm not a horrible person, I'm just a little broken and damaged. :)
I could go on forever, I just might, but it'll have to wait till later because I have to run.
What's the deal with that? I mean I shouldn't be complaining because it's probably a very good thing that I've been so busy, but still, I just want one hour where I can sit and do nothing.
I can't believe it's Wednesday already, I remember coming home Sunday and thinking, I hope it's a good quick week. Guess what? It has been an amazingly quick week. And it's noon already, which means that the day is about a third over. o.0
There are so many things I need to do sometime this week. I need to go get my car detailed and cleaned because I want to and it's spring so I want all the guck from winter off it. I need to do some laundry or I'll be going commando super soon. I need to finish cleaning my room, put away my winter gear, wash my windows, mow the lawn, and probably some other stuff I can't remember.
As for the last two postings... they're not finished, but I'm not entirely sure I want to put the rest of it up. It was an actual event in my life and I feel super stupid towards it at the moment. There is more, and it's gets dumber.
To the person who reads this and the postings and was on the receiving end, I'm sorry, there really are not enough words I can use to justify my actions that day.
To everyone else who read them, know that I'm not a horrible person, I'm just a little broken and damaged. :)
I could go on forever, I just might, but it'll have to wait till later because I have to run.
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