Moving on...

I have always thought of what it would be like. The freedom of it. It had always been something that I wondered about, something that would help me grow but I knew, it would always be there if I ever looked back or wanted to come back.

I have to admit that there are days where it doesn't feel that way anymore. There are days where I need to leave, and part of me feels that if and when I leave, I won't look back, I would never look back, I would not want to. Even on the days that there might be a small chance I might want to, there would be nothing there. In my mind, it's already beginning to fade and I haven't even left yet.

What I once knew is not the same, what I once loved has changed so much, I don't know it anymore, I don't want to know it anymore.

I, of all people, should be able to handle this in stride. That's how I take on everything else in life, in stride. I pride myself in that, I know there are few things in life that can really shake me. This is one of them. Not the fact that I could lose it all if I walk away, but the thought that I don't want it anymore, no matter how much I need it, the thought that I may walk away forever and never look back.

Just the thought of it makes me shake, my hands quiver as I write this, partially in anger and partially because I'm afraid of the truth behind my words.

My heart is sore, it's tired from all the pain. Part of me is ready to walk away forever and part of me wants things to go back to when they were happy, and carefree. Because where we are now, in this moment, and in this place, it's not something I know how to fix, and it's not something I can work or live with.