In real life, 1 + 1 does not always add up to 2...

You ever come across a situation where you know what you have to do, because no matter how you turn it, the result is just the same one, the one that is not beneficial to you, the one that is toxic and slowly destroying everything you've work on for the past few years, the one that makes you feel like a douche bag, or an evil person. When you finally decided to end it all?

I hate myself for hating you.

I wrote this a while back and it's just been sitting in my backpack, I figure that typing this out will help me continue to work out my anger.

In my mind, I have fabricated you into this monster.
In reality you aren't, you are not a monster, not by many standards.
You're just someone who does not deserve to be my hero.
They say that actions speak louder than words.
For you, both are equally useless.
Your actions don't match your words
and your words no longer hold even a glimpse of promise,
that I once believed in as a child.
Your actions no longer scare me, at least not the me I want to be.
The sounds of your angry actions make me jumpy but knowing that you're behind them makes them hallow.
I see them as a useless waste of energy, both for you and for me.
I find your actions as empty as your words.
You - are no longer my knight in shining armor.
It's been so long that I can't remember a time when you were.
If I searched long and deep enough, a part of me believes that I will find a time when you meant the world, but that too seems like a waste.
Despite all this, despite the hatred I feel towards you, I don't want to shut the door and seal our relationship into the darkness...